new years

I'm a bit on a time crunch here but I hope everyone had a merry christmas and hopefully also a good new years. This past year has been a hard yet eventful year for me, I have grown and learned from the mistakes I've made. I've met some incredible people, some assholes but also some of the best people ever. This year I faced the challenge of accepting who I am, I fell in love with an amazing girl, got my heartbroken, visited some beautiful places, started this blog, got in some horrible fights. Overall this year I've cried a lot but I've laughed a lot, ups and downs like a roller coaster yet I don't think I would want it any different. I mean sure the year could have been better but it could also have been worse, I am so grateful to have had such a learning year. To all my friends I want to thank you guys for sticking with me thru thick and thin, thank you for always being with me even if I push you guys away sometimes, even if I yell out things I don't mean yet I love you guys, always I wouldn't be here without the support you guys give me. To my family, thank you for believing in me and accepting me, thank you for encouraging me to pursue my writing, thank you for always being there for me when I needed someone, for make me laugh or getting me into trouble. I love you guys a bunch. I want to thank myself, for doing what I want despite my conscious, I want to thank myself for not harming myself anymore. I am proud of all my friends and family, I am proud of myself. I don't do new years resolutions because I mostly never accomplish them but I want to know yours, tweet me them. Thank you to all my readers for taking time out of their day to read my blog, thank you guys for 600 reads in about 4 months. I love you guys and have a wonderful New Year! 

parents

Disappointment is apparently what I have brought to me father tonight by refusing to sleep at his house, sad to say if I got mad every time he said no to me I'd be mad my whole life.What is up with parents not appreciating their children, since when is it alright for a parent to expect so much out of a child a 17 year old child? Since when is it alright to tell your child that they aren't good for anything, that they can't do anything right? Why do parents make it their mission to break us down instead of building us up. I need my parents to encourage me in what I'm good at and help me in what I'm bad at. Yes mom I would like for you to ask me about my writing, for you to finally show some interest in what I like doing instead of drilling me about finding a real job because writing won't pay the bills. I know, I know writing doesn't pay the bills but guess what mom, I can do writing on the side, that's what I want. Wouldn't that be nice? Being an English teacher and write on the side. Novels, short stories, maybe even give some workshops to others who need some support. Sharing knowledge, expanding minds, oh what a dream. So dad, since when is it alright to tell me to work harder after I proved to you I did all I could yet I still didn't make it? Maybe you should consider getting me a tutor or some help. I can't do everything alone, I can't manage alone, I know that eventually I will have to but right now I just need some of your help. Some families manage to make you feel like crap even during the holidays, yes my anxiety has been worse during this christmas break due to my family but I know I;ll be going off to college in July. 6 months, that's all I'm asking for from all you seniors out there just give it 6 months. You will be free eventually, you will be able to create the path that you want to follow, you might not know what that path is yet but soon you will find yourself following a path that you never set out to follow but you'll find yourself enjoying it.

so fucking real

Happy 19th birthday my love, what a journey it has been right? Tomorrow technically today marks our third anniversary that we broke up. No explanation, no reason you just shattered my heart on christmas day. Oh how cruel was that my love, why? I loved you so much, yes I'm okay now but you still haven't told me why. I know you still like me but no longer love me like you did before. Maybe we were too young for love. You were 16 and I was 14 puppy love as most would call it yet it felt so real, all of it felt so fucking real. So real I can still taste you on my lips, so real I can still smell you on my clothes. So fucking real I wish I still had you.

anxiety

And as I was laying down looking at the stars, trying to calm myself down from the horrible anxiety that hit me I started thinking. Maybe I make myself sick, make myself sad and miserable. Can you spare yourself the vicious cycle of fine-great-sad-mad-miserable-fine. I mean I try over and over again to not feel this away but then an anxiety attack hits and it feels like my lungs just collapse making it impossible to breath right and I feel my heart rate pick up and I panic. Panic only makes it worse, I start crying and I panic even more then I start hyperventilating yet when I tell one of my grown ups that it's getting out of hand they say it's a figment of my imagination. Why is so hard to control anxiety? Why can't I control my emotions and just be fine with everything, be fine with the hurt the betrayal the heartbreak. I have a pounding headache and an aching wrist, how do I do this? Can someone please help me? This silence is killing me yet I can't bare sounds right now. I'm sorry for this Sorry I can't write anything good, anything worthy. I need help.

shivers

I dreamt about you last night, not completely you but still you. She told me she was your older sister and that she knew I loved you. As much as I wanted to deny it I couldn’t. I couldn’t because she wouldn’t let me, she stood over my shoulder and kept repeating the same words over and over again, her warm breath fanned against my neck. Oh how that gave me shivers, shivers so hard that it woke me up. I woke up in my dark room wishing you were next to me. She looked just like you, exactly the same, despite claiming she was your older sister I think it was you, who else could give me such intense shivers? Your eyes used to hold this mischievous look whenever you gave me shivers but in my dream your eyes held so much intensity that it scared me. Your look made me wonder if you were going to pounce on me, destroy me in the most lovely way, make me not want to live without you but oh baby don’t worry because I’ll return the favour. I’ll make you miss me when I leave for work, I’ll make you miss the way I prepare your tea, miss the way I kiss you good morning. We will travel the world and leave our mark so it’ll be impossible to return without the other. I’ll destroy you and you’ll destroy me yet we won’t feel destroyed when we’re together only when we’re apart will we feel that pain and that void in our body, soul and heart. We won’t be able to live without the other.

magical

It was magical, I had a Christmas dinner with the school seniors and we danced and laughed and just had some sober fun you know, I kinda forgot what it was like to not have to drink to have such a good time. After it ended my classmates and I decided to go to the beach, we ran on the beach and damn it was magical, it felt like we were a movie until I tripped and fell in the sand. If only you cared, if only you actually stuck with me, if only you acknowledged my love for you, if only if only if only. I have so many questions yet knowing the answer might break me even more than you already have. I don't understand why my last text posts have been about you, you've made your feelings towards me very clear. Guys say they want a loyal woman yet when they have her they think with the head between their legs. Oh baby how I miss you, I miss our friendship you were my best friend and now look at us, broken up and not even friends anymore. I might write a lot about you and our story yet I wouldn't want you back darling, I wouldn't want someone who treated me so bad back. "Yes I like you yet I think friend with benefits would be better" that was the last straw because when you said those words I knew that the guy I once loved had vanished.

stained

Maybe I'm convinced that if we see each other, talk to each other, touch each other. I"m convinced that if all those things happen that we would fall all over again, small touches, intimate conversations about our expectations of life. Maybe it was those small conversations that make us fall so hard, baring our soul to someone else, sharing that story you never wanted to repeat because how can you forget about something if you keep being reminded about it? What if I never wanted to tell you my story and you never intended on telling me yours, would we have still fallen in love if we hadn't shared those talks? Even though we aren't together anymore I still love you, no matter how many times you've screwed me over I will always have a soft spot for you. It doesn't matter, it really doesn't but trust me darling I can't bare much more, I can't bare to watch you with her because it still hurts. My whole street is consumed with memories I have with you, walking outside is a struggle knowing that we won't ever roams those streets hand in hand again, remember the cemetery? It used to be my favorite place to go to when I needed to think, I haven't set foot in it since the day we last kissed there. You ruined all my favorite places, ruined them all with the memories stained across them. You have stained me with your perfume, your gaze, your breath oh for you have stained my existence with your own my love.

diary entry?

So what is this? Do I start all my entrees with the word 'So' but beside that this day started out ordinary but my friends made it great. My little cousin spend almost the whole afternoon with me being silly goddamn I do love her to death. I'm going to miss her when I leave to go study, if I ever get there. I made 5 exams a week and a half ago, just guess how many I actually aced? Never mind I'll just tell you, I got 2 B's and 3 F's guess who is going to get murdered by her mom yes this girl. I'm not going home for the weekend, I'm spending the weekend at my dad's house and he's letting me go out tonight which I technically don't deserve due to the grades yet he said I need to vent. What's done is done, I can't change the grades anymore yet I do have a resit for math. Is it bad I wanna get really drunk just to forget the grades, forget his face, forget everything? It probably is yet I can't be bothered to care, I can't be bothered to do anything anymore, the only think I want to do is sit outside stare at the moon and cry. Cry for my dead uncle, cry for my bad grades, cry for the past, basically cry for everything bad that has ever happened to me. Not all my memories are shitty yet most of them are, I have some pretty good memories of when I used to make mud pies with my cousins, we used to run in the rain and play outside in our underwear all the time. Goddamn I feel bad like really bad but just a bad day not a bad life right? That's what I remind myself everyday.

diary entry

I've been staring at the screen for about an hour trying to figure out what I have to write so I decided to do another diary entry. She called my diary entrees word vomit which is so legit. I have so many poems I'm working on yet can't seem to get more done then just the beginning, I find it hard to continue since I usually write when I'm sad and I haven't been really sad in a while which is a good thing I suppose. Made a typo on twitter but I can't even be bothered to delete it and tweet it again. Robbers from the 1975 has been on replay and I can't get enough of the music video yet I'm more of an Arctic Monkeys fan, Fireside and 505 goddamn. So my friend made shortcuts on my phone and changed 'no' to 'tacotuesday' and 'yes' to 'chickenpie' I don't know if I should laugh or be angry. CAN YOU TALK TO ME? Like please, you stare at me during class at times yet you don't talk to me and it's getting fucking annoying I mean TALK TO ME. Bye guys

inevitable

Perfection seemed to be something I thought could never be achieved. That was until I met you, you hypnotized me with your eyes and had me hooked on your voice. Every touch send my heart into a frenzy, it would beat so fast I for sure thought it would explode. Your words send my brain into overdrive, not letting me forget a single word you said to me, still not letting me forget. The voice you would tell me you loved me oh god how much I loved hearing you say that. Although back then I actually thought you meant them but now I know it was all a facade but oh baby remember how I did mean the "i love you"s. Those 3 words that ruined my whole existence those words that ruined my wellbeing, my heart, my soul, me. You ruined me with those words, you ruined me when you left, leaving me to cut my hands trying to pick up the pieces you left me in. But god I loved you, loving you was never a chore but more like blinking. Loving you was inevitable, yet hating you for all these heart aches is also inevitable. Not only did I cut my hands on the broken pieces but with you walking over them shattering them made me lose it, made those pieces unrepairable. You took away my happiness but oh how foolish of me to put something so important in the slippery hands of someone so clumsy. It slipped right through those rough hands and got swallowed by a black hole. I've been unable to find it ever since, unable to truly be happy without having this chest ache wash over reminding me I'm still missing a few shattered pieces of the person I was before you came along. 

horribly messy diary entry

As promised I'm writing again, I have 7/11 playing, there is school glue sticking to my bare feet. What do I write about this time? What do you guys want to hear? Maybe about how every time I used to look in the mirror I saw myself yet I was never satisfied, maybe I'm still not fully satisfied yet now I appreciate what I have more. So what if I don't have C-cup boobs? Sure I wish I did but I'm actually satisfied with my A-cup grapes, ass now that is something I was pretty blessed with. Pin straight hair some girls dream of but my point is that we are blessed with these feature sure we can go and get surgery and in my opinion everyone can do what they please. I can sit here and say everyone is beautiful but we knows of ourselves that we think some people are ugly especially if they are around that one special person, right? Shake it off came on by miss t swizzle and I danced, yep I stood up and shook what my mama gave me but back to what I was saying which I don't know anymore this is beyond messy but guys hey I'm still working on my 'novel/short story' and I found the perfect couple to portray my Jovi and Bryer, Yes I just revealed the names to you guys. So my class made me sit next to my crush a few days ago for about an hour and a half and I got so angry and I just put in my headphones so I wouldn't be bothered but then I felt so rude cause he asked me if I was okay and I felt bad but when we talked it was kinda okay yet now I've decided that I don't anymore distractions but yesterday he stared at me while he drove away from school and ugh I kinda died. I hope he doesn't know of my blog if he does I would die or probably kiss him and run away. Yeah I'd kiss him, mhm, maybe, mhm, probably not. Bye guys I'm sorry I'm horrible

happiness?

So she told me I was hard to please. She said its because I'm not happy, that she has tried to make me happy for a month yet we barely talk. How do you expect me to be happy if everything around me is going wrong? Bad grades, shitty friends, terrible family feuds and miserably crushing on this amazing person who still hasn't noticed me. Wanting to tell my family that bisexuality is not all bad yet knowing how racist and traditional they are scare the living crap out of me. This terrible headache I'm having while writing because I haven't written in almost a month, kinda working on a novel or short story you could say. How is this a poem if I only express my feeling? Maybe this blog is becoming my diary or maybe I'm just really bad at writing and forming my inner thoughts into flowing sentences. I'll never be like the writer of my favorite blog. Goddamn she is amazing and her writing will one day dominate this world for real. So what will I do in the mean time? Will I finish that damn short story? Even if I can't form my imagination into flowing sentences? maybe I should just give it a shot you know? Try and if I fail I'll at least know I did my best right? But what if my best has never been my best? What if I have to push myself till the edge of the bridge? Maybe take the risk of jumping of that cliff and into the water below, the water where you plunge into and fight to come back above for that fresh breath of air. I'd come above smiling at the thrill of having taken that risk, having given it my all and finally reaching all my dreams. That was all for this session my loves, I gotta go but I promise I'll post again within the next week, I'll spend most of my days trying to word my thoughts for you.

She

It wasn't even dawn yet and you could already smell the sun starting to come up yet she was already awake running through her house, trying to occupy herself, trying to distract her from the reality that has become her life. The reality that has haunted her for the past few months, the bags under her eyes haven't gone away for weeks, the sleeping pills no longer work. Closing her eyes for more than a few minutes already makes the horrible memories surface. She drinks herself into a comatose state just for 4 hours of sleep every night, 4 hours of sleep haven't been enough for her to function right at her shitty job. She goes to work, she gets home, searches for the bottles before sulking on the alcohol until her body finally gives up and collapses. The days flashed by yet dragged along leaving her with the torturous memories and permanent scars on her once smooth skin. The horrible burn marks that stretch across her thighs and ankles, a daily reminder of how she couldn't save them, a permanent reminder of how her wife and princess died in the horrible house fire while they managed to get her out. They pulled her screaming out of the house, not because her flesh was being burned open no but because of the screams of her little girl and her wife. The screams for her to help them yet she was too late, the fire fighters couldn't do anything, they were too late. She spend many nights after that reliving that night, she could still hear their screams, struggles, their pleads and lastly nothing, they had suffocated and after that burned to ashes, beyond recognition. On their first death anniversary she decided to join them in a special place. She loved them so much she gave up her life to be with them again.

diary entry

It's almost 11pm which is usually not my breaking down hour but I guess today is different. She didn't acknowledge my existence, she hasn't really in a while now. I guess you can say we got really close really fast. Letting her into my personal space wasn't hard at all, she has this aura which made me feel at home. Feeling at home is something I haven't felt in a while. We shared what I think was all our deepest darkest secrets if you can call them that. She hasn't bolted to the door yet which is what I usually expect when I share my story with new people and after what she has trusted me with I don't plan on leaving either. I want to help her feel better yet there is always this wall when we get a bit too cozy with each other. I guess this whole entry is about how I'm starting to like this amazing girl who I started talking to again only two weeks ago. We used to go to school together 5 to 6 years ago, she used to scare me back then. I know I shouldn't get attached because it usually backfires the person leaves but she promised me she's not like everyone else who has left, she promised me she'll stay with me. I hope that if she reads this she won't shut me out nor think I've absolutely lost my senses. She's almost the only person who can make me cry of laughter after we were just screaming at each other a few minutes before, she intrigues me but most of all she makes me want to become a better person. 

undecided masochist lover

she was always around taunting me, teasing me, out shining me. She would never give me a chance to be the bright one in the relationship until I snapped. I smacked that crooked smile right of her face but it didn't feel like she hated me for it. Her eyes shined with an emotion I hadn't seen before, it looked like she enjoyed me using her as my punching bag. Slaps soon turned into punches and shoves yet she never left. She loved me and I loved her yet I couldn't help but resent her, that grin she shoots me, lovey doves eyes. I hate attachment and she stuck to me like plaster, we started out as just hook ups which turned into actually falling for her. I yelled and yelled until I found her journal which explained why she never left. She loved the pain, she was a masochist. She never told me this, it seems like the strokes, caresses and gentleness only caused her pain yet the smacks, stomps and shoves caused her pleasure. Her once pale skin was battered, tainted with purple and blue bruises which my love left on her. Why do I hurt this women who I care so much about? Why do I hurt the only women I've ever loved besides my mom? Have you ever seen that movie with Logan Lerman in which he plays a fucked up kid? I remember him saying 'we accept the love we think we deserve' maybe that's why she hasn't left yet or maybe it's her masochistic self stopping her. I want to change, I want to be better I want to be someone she deserves.
slap.
heartache.
punch.
heartache.
shove.
heartache.
i love you.
undecided.
smile jealousy, achievement jealousy, happiness jealousy.

letter to you (I)

Basorexia

Defined as an overwhelming desire to kiss

The first time I read that word, you popped into my mind like an unhealthy addiction. That's what you were to me, another unhealthy addiction instead of the burning amber liquor and smokes. I needed a dose of that raspy voice and those plain dark orbs. The withdrawals I've been suffering after not having you for the last three weeks have been intense, insomnia nostalgia bulimia but most importantly basorexia.

My overwhelming desire to kiss you, feel every inch of your body pressed tightly against mine. I need to breath you in, memorize all the bumps on your skin, burn them into my memory so I'll never forget them. Oh baby the way you make me feel. How you got me from not wanting to fall in love again to head over heels for you. I never got the chance to properly tell you how much I loved you in person but instead I blurted it out via voice note after you left while high on that damn drink. I felt like you needed to know so with tears falling from my red swollen eyes I finally confessed my thoughts to you, even heavily intoxicated all I could think about were those magnificent plain brown eyes that used to hold so much passion yet are now clouded with disappointment.

I never meant to disappoint you my love but I did and I hate myself everyday a bit more for it. I'm almost giving in to the temptation to tear myself open to feel physical pain but I can't because you'd be even more disappointed in me and maybe even yourself. Remember how you told me you'd beat up the person that led me to self destruction? Well if you find out it's you right now you'd feel guilty. Amber liquor and smokes every time I have the chance, slowly killing my insides but not giving a single damn.

I was told that putting my 'happiness' in your hands was wrong but they don't understand that I never did that. With you I always felt like myself and relieved I didn't have to hide anything from you my love.

But now as the clock ticks and I'm writing this in the comfort of my bedroom I want to apologize for being such a disappointment and letting you down. Elise wrote in my favorite poem ever 'this is anything but self-pity, this is self-hatred' and that is what this is my love. Trust me when I say you did the right thing by hurting me and pushing me away because you deserve so much better then I can offer to give. You my love deserve someone who can bring you the damn milky way while I can't even get you the chocolate. So my love, are you ready to leave me for good? This is the last you'll hear from this plain ol jane, good bye my beautiful beach bombshell, my tomboy playing basketball player, my torch who guided me to the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for the short journey my love,

Goodbye

the sadness struggle

'what is it like? being sad all the time' they asked me, this is me letting you into a part of my head. Voices putting me down all the time, me putting myself down. Not being able to cope with death, abandonment, perfection, depression, emotions. What does death have to do with me? My uncle killed himself last year, he had to courage to do which I never had, he took his own life like I wanted to. Abandonment? the fear of being left, constantly waiting for everyone to distance themselves from me which is what usually happens, promises left and right yet no followthrough. Perfection? The constant need to be what others want from me but also the pull to be who I want to be, seeing people all around me with their lives intact, always smiling and looking genuinely happy. Depression? Living with the constant voices in my head putting me down, being trapped in a mind full of negative thoughts and at times even slicing my skin open just to able to deal with the heartache I'm dealing with. The soothing feeling of ripping my skin open just to feel physical pain for once. Pinching, bruising and hitting myself just to feel alive. Emotions? How do I deal with all the emotions that come with death, abandonment, perfection and depression? I crack a smile and hide the monster that lives inside of me, the monster that is me, smiling so no one know what pain I feel. Behind closed doors I let the tears flow, the tears that are filled with so many emotions I can't tell which one I'm feeling at the moment. As I write this I feel like I exposed myself way too much but I think you deserve an explanation of why I killed myself, of why you couldn't save me, of why I never asked for you help. So what is it like being sad? It's like being a burden to everyone.

undecided masochist

The wind whispers all around me, the cold ignites goosebumps on my sensitive shell. The skin that has been tainted with purple and blue, bruised so often, battered by the idea of love. The hard stare he had been shooting me for a dozen. It started with a simple smack across the appreciation which quickly turned into a hard punch to the adoration. The first few weeks I cried a bunch but after a while I got used to the yelling, bruising and insults. He loved me but also resented me. What stopped me from leaving was my masochistic ways. Self inflicted pain for pleasure, any kind of pain was received with open thoughts.smack.pleasure.stomp.pleasure.shove.pleasure.i love you.undecided.stroke pain, caress pain, gentle pain.