undecided masochist lover

she was always around taunting me, teasing me, out shining me. She would never give me a chance to be the bright one in the relationship until I snapped. I smacked that crooked smile right of her face but it didn't feel like she hated me for it. Her eyes shined with an emotion I hadn't seen before, it looked like she enjoyed me using her as my punching bag. Slaps soon turned into punches and shoves yet she never left. She loved me and I loved her yet I couldn't help but resent her, that grin she shoots me, lovey doves eyes. I hate attachment and she stuck to me like plaster, we started out as just hook ups which turned into actually falling for her. I yelled and yelled until I found her journal which explained why she never left. She loved the pain, she was a masochist. She never told me this, it seems like the strokes, caresses and gentleness only caused her pain yet the smacks, stomps and shoves caused her pleasure. Her once pale skin was battered, tainted with purple and blue bruises which my love left on her. Why do I hurt this women who I care so much about? Why do I hurt the only women I've ever loved besides my mom? Have you ever seen that movie with Logan Lerman in which he plays a fucked up kid? I remember him saying 'we accept the love we think we deserve' maybe that's why she hasn't left yet or maybe it's her masochistic self stopping her. I want to change, I want to be better I want to be someone she deserves.
slap.
heartache.
punch.
heartache.
shove.
heartache.
i love you.
undecided.
smile jealousy, achievement jealousy, happiness jealousy.