the sadness struggle

'what is it like? being sad all the time' they asked me, this is me letting you into a part of my head. Voices putting me down all the time, me putting myself down. Not being able to cope with death, abandonment, perfection, depression, emotions. What does death have to do with me? My uncle killed himself last year, he had to courage to do which I never had, he took his own life like I wanted to. Abandonment? the fear of being left, constantly waiting for everyone to distance themselves from me which is what usually happens, promises left and right yet no followthrough. Perfection? The constant need to be what others want from me but also the pull to be who I want to be, seeing people all around me with their lives intact, always smiling and looking genuinely happy. Depression? Living with the constant voices in my head putting me down, being trapped in a mind full of negative thoughts and at times even slicing my skin open just to able to deal with the heartache I'm dealing with. The soothing feeling of ripping my skin open just to feel physical pain for once. Pinching, bruising and hitting myself just to feel alive. Emotions? How do I deal with all the emotions that come with death, abandonment, perfection and depression? I crack a smile and hide the monster that lives inside of me, the monster that is me, smiling so no one know what pain I feel. Behind closed doors I let the tears flow, the tears that are filled with so many emotions I can't tell which one I'm feeling at the moment. As I write this I feel like I exposed myself way too much but I think you deserve an explanation of why I killed myself, of why you couldn't save me, of why I never asked for you help. So what is it like being sad? It's like being a burden to everyone.