our own personal heroin

"he can make you see the world through his eyes"
"he makes you love him like he’s the last man alive"

"he makes you feel everything and nothing at once"
"he makes me feel so special without even trying"

what is it like for a pair of best friends to fall in love with the same guy?

its knowing exactly how he sleeps

knowing how he sweet talks someone

knowing how he is literally the devil in disguise 

its feeling everything and nothing at the same time while being his

its talking to him till fucking dawn because neither of us can bare to stop talking to the other

its smiling at your phone, waiting for his texts and calls

its falling so irrevocably in love with him

because he seems to perfect

he seems so kind, caring, loving

he seems like the best damn person to share your life with

up until he leaves

he will leave 

but his memory will stay

like a goddamn stain in your goddamn mind

a stain you can't get out no matter how fucking hard you try

he will leave you with all the promises he makes yet cannot fulfil

he won't feel an inch of remorse

and when he sees you on the street, it will be as if nothing ever happened

as if he doesn't even remember those nights of deep conversations nor freezing nights where he provided you with his body heat

as if you never meant a damn thing to him

its calling that best friend, sobbing while they console you

knowing what it feels like to be played by such a dedicated player

its wondering who destroyed him?

because thats all he's doing to others right now

cold day

she reminded me of coffee, 
not because im trying to romanticize brown eyes but because she always kept me up late at night, 
never letting me go to sleep.

on a cold day she could make all my insides warm up, 

like nothing or no one else could.

tiny mistakes could make her too bitter or too sweet, 

it all depended on how you treated her,

stirring her was my favorite part.

stirring together everything that was necessary to make her her, 

to make her enjoyable 

i could never leave her behind, 

id always drink every single drop, 

not wanting to waste such a beautiful thing.

she was my coffee, 

she ruined coffee for me because every time i drink it now it hauls me back 

back into this pit ive worked so hard on climbing out of.

portrayed as an angel

you were portrayed as an angel but far from it,

manipulative

impulsive

seductive

you had your claws so deeply plunged into me

controlling me like i was your puppet 

not giving a fuck about my feelings

about my emotions

about my life

all i had to care about was you

all i had to worry about was you

all my priorities had to be you

you wanted every single inch of my being

when i surrendered myself to you but it still wasn’t enough

it had never been enough

you released me

retrieved your so deeply etched claws

leaving me empty

hollow

dark

you took everything you had made me to be

and left me without a single clue of who i was supposed to be now

who as i before you?

can i even recall?

i dont think i can but from that emptiness i will find my fill

from that hollowness i will build my sunflower field

from that darkness i will find my sunshine

you may have shattered my being but i will rise again

you will not stop me

2am thoughts

so tell me, was i just another easy girl you had to fulfill your needs? just another girl to help you get over the one before?
what happened to me making you feel alive? that i understand you really well?
we could have deep conversations that would last for hours and somehow comfort each other, yet now all of that went to shit.
i was told to open myself up again because who knows maybe you were different? maybe you would appreciate me being emotionally there, maybe you would not take my 'golden heart' as you call it for granted.
you told me i deserved so much more than she gave me, that you had seen how much effort i had put into her and how much i was emotionally there for her, that what she did to me was bullshit yet here you are doing the exact same thing as she did.
only difference is that you actually dropped me, while she kept coming back and fucking me over.
i was right to be scared that i would be hurt again because that happened and now im here typing away like a mad man with no real purpose.
im here at almost 2am trying to wrap my head around the fact that i was never important to you like you had told me, im here trying to not cry at all the anger and hurt im feeling right now.
hope it was worth it tho, being an asshole while claiming you are different.

stars

i wanna be amongst the stars, shining bright when the sky seems too empty, guiding you thru a dark night, or be there for you when you need something more beautiful than her eyes. let me be amongst the beautiful stars so i wont feel this pain anymore, so i can take away some pain from others just like stars have taken away my pain temporarily. let me be a star so i can shine like i couldnt here as a human, let me be beautiful and shining. i might be dead, not existing anymore yet my shine and light will still be here with everyone.

empty promise, i won't fall for it

it feels like another empty promise, how many times have you said you don't want to hurt me anymore? probably a shit ton of times, last week you said the same thing while we were in bed, my bed, the same bed i cant sleep in without remembering how crowded it was with you next to me yet not giving a single fuck because i had you pressed up against me. when will it finally be the last time you hurt me? 'She's hurting too' yeah boo fucking hoo guess who had their heart broken all over again. guess who stood outside her best friends party sobbing her eyes out. Guess who had to get picked up by her friends, actual friends who drove back to come get her because they actually gave a fuck. Me, i had to get picked up by my friends, i was the one outside sobbing my eyes out. while you had your fucking lips latched onto hers, not even thinking about how it would make me feel being just a few feet away, did you think i wouldn't find out?  but always the same excuse tho 'i don't remember anything, i was drunk, i didnt eat anything that day' always the same fucking excuse. so why should i forgive you again, so you can hurt me again in a few weeks? 'she's been trying really hard' i call bullshit i call fucking bullshit! i don't see you trying 'hard'. do you really think a stupid letter telling me everything that i already know and a rose will make up for all the heart ache you brought me over the past week and on top of that you aren't giving me any fucking time. i'm broken right now, i'm fucking broken yet you don't give me any time to heal, its been a week. a week doesn't heal anything. and forcing yourself to see me whenever i try to hang out with my best friend won't help, it'll only make me detest you more than i do now. it won't ever be the same anymore, i have been your doormat way too fucking long. you had me and you lost me because of your own stupid decisions. so i hope it was worth it, because she still can't stand you and now neither can i. i've been 'done' a bunch of times but trust me this time i'm done for real. don't try anymore because i can't even look at you without being angry. stop trying you're only 'hurt' because now you don't have a doormat to walk all over anymore. stop trying to make things better because you don't mean it. a rose and a letter mean nothing. 'Actions speak louder than words' prove to me that you're sorry because now i don't believe shit you say.

you aren't beside me

it was only one night and yet it
fucked me up,
every night i still wait for the moment
you place your head on my chest,
for you to nuzzle your face in my neck
to feel your breath mix with mine.

yet all i fall asleep to is the faint
sound of ed sheeran playing in the background.

in the morning i feel empty,
i wake up to an empty bed,
your legs aren't tangled with mine,
your hair isn't in my face,
and you aren't beside me,
you haven't been beside me for a while now.

negativity

You know this will be about you so don't take it personally. What you told me is true I am a negative person I do close myself up when people try to get in, it is hard for me because I've been hurt so bad and I don't like the feeling at all and as I've told you the less you expect the less disappointed you will be. Maybe I am so negative because all I hear around me is that I will fail or that I have to be perfect and that if I'm not perfect then it doesn't matter, that you cannot fail when you try that you have to on your a game every single time you try something and that failure is not an option and with a history of your family you will be a disappointment. Thank you for telling me in my face that I am a negative person because I will show you how much of a positive person I can be and that I will not change for you but for myself, to make myself a better person yes I was hurt when you told me and yes I walked away but thank you because I will learn from this and owning a great friend can see that to you in your face and thanks for being a great friend.

pointless

//10:23//

i can't seem to stop thinking
about you

can't seem to stop fantasizing
about us

is it really pointless?

perhaps as pointless
as this poem

perhaps as pointless
as me loving you

remind me not to pour so little milk in
my coffee

because it'll resemble the
color of your eyes

help me to stop writing about
you because it really is

pointless

just you

your eyes are the color of coffee
your scent smells like roses
lanky slim body
why?
you.
your voice so low like the angels are singing
your personality closed off but like no other
oh what have you done?
love poems about you already?
really?
is this even a poem?
you aren't the definition of perfect
but neither am i
but are you perfect for me?
not hardly
guess i don't want perfection then
just you

okay?

someday i will

its been a while hasn't it? almost a month and a lot has happened, i won't go into detail since i don't want to think about it anymore. i have lost friends, due to lies and i feel like shit. maybe they didn't deserve for me to distance myself from them but in the end i did it for myself. i alienate myself from people who might harm me, you might say you would never hurt me but in the end everyone does. why do i let these people in so deeply knowing i can't really take more hurt. why do i let myself become this way if i hate being sad? why do i keep thinking about you. everything about her makes me think of you yet she is so different from you still. i can't be jealous of her but i do envy her, being around you, loving you properly, getting to know you better than i ever could. enough about you tho you've brought me so much pain that just thinking of that my chest starts hurting. hurting like i'm missing a piece, a legit hole in my heart. him oh him, it hurts having people i might like having to touch me like you did. i can't stand intimate touches anymore because it hurts knowing that the last person who touched me like that left me in pieces. how dramatic but my father told me a while ago that you fall in love multiple times in the duration of your life, that i will get hurt again but i will also love again. i won't let this break me, i might have been destroyed by you but i won't give up. i'd rather give up our friendship than give up on myself. let me live, let me enjoy without having to worry about you all the time goddamn. i have learned and i will fully live my life, maybe not today but someday i will.

feelings

This week hasn't really been a great week for me. I had to deal with getting my exam grades back, a bunch of bad news and I had to control my emotions a lot. My exam grades aren't as bad as I thought they would be yet I have to do a resit for economics because I got an F. My week started out pretty grades despite having the flu, the weekend had just passed and I had gone out with a few of my closest friends to celebrate a friend her 18th birthday. So on tuesday it was my mom's birthday along with a good friend of mine. On tuesday I also found out that my ex crush asked my friend out and I freaked out, not because I still like him or anything but because it made me sic to think that he didn't want me but he did want her so I went home after she told me despite having two more lessons that day. I felt really bad and really worthless that day and I got angry, like really angry I punched the walls in my house a few times until my knuckles cracked and almost bled. I didn't go to school the next day, I didn't want to face her nor the guy because they are both in my class and also because I woke up really sick. I have had the flu and a sore throat for about two weeks already and the migraines started again. Wednesday after my mom returned from work my grandma called me and shared the news with me that she has breast cancer. I don't think I have ever shared how much my grandma means to me but the news she gave me just broke me down. I felt like I the world had stopped, I felt like I couldn't get any air into my lungs nor another beat out of my heart. I cried, I still cry for her. She is getting operated in two weeks and afterwards she will go to radiation in Colombia. I still feel like I can't breath. I can't help but worry even if she doesn't. Today she got all emotional and told me "If I die I want to die knowing my daughter graduated" and when I corrected her she just said she didn't make a mistake and walked away. I can't even write this without tearing up. She doesn't even see me as her granddaughter but more like her daughter. I might as well be her daughter, I've been bounded to her ever since my dad left me when I was two years old. I love her and soon I will be getting "I love you J" tattooed on me in her handwriting and in French because that is her all time favorite language. I haven't spoken nor seen some of my really good friends in some time and at times it feels like they only contact me when they need me and I think it's sad because it seems like I'm only needed when they need something from me, either material, my advice or my ears. I can't stand this, feeling unneeded, unwanted, sad, angry

destroy me

'Please don't do anything too reckless'
You know I won't listen, you know me all too well.
Bring out the bottle, I might gulp it down and I might just stare at it.
'I beg you to let it go'
Maybe I should, it was reckless of me to expect more,
it was reckless of me to even send that text.
It's time for that bottle,
time for the forgetting methods,
time for the famous amber liquor and smokes.
Oh amber liquor make me forget,
oh smokes destroy the rest of my insides.
Destroy every part of me that thinks about you.
Destroy the part of me who worries about you.
Destroy the part of me who writes about you.
Destroy the part of me who expects you to care.
Just fucking destroy me.
It probably won't help because even if you destroy me I would keep on spitting out poems and pieces about you or for you.

you are art

To me you are art,
your eyes are the color I use to express darkness.
I have your body memorized,
just like the canvas I use to transfer thoughts.
Every inch of that delectable body,
every bump,
every bruise.
My paint brush glides smoothly on your canvas
leaving behind
a wet trace of purple and red
splatters.
Oh how you are turning me into a sucker for love.
Notebooks filled
with words only meant
for your ears.
Rooms filled
with portraits only meant
for your eyes.
You,
everything is you,
us,
everything that we used to be

my otherwise

Oh my otherwise

For when are you to come?

I've been searching for you for so damn long.

When will you finally appear?

Oh why won't you spare me all this pain?

Are you making me wait to gain experience? 

Be my gravity, keep me grounded keep me sane.

Oh my otherwise

Save me from the cruel people, save the cruel people from my cold heart.

Melt my cold heart.

Steal it like no one ever has.

Never give it back

and 

Let me steal yours,

I'll keep it safe,

I'll put it your heart where mine 

used to be

and 

You'll put mine where yours was.

Let's just 

love

each other until the end of us. 

for you

I am withdrawing myself from you. You intimidate me, you intimidate me way too much. Oh not in a bad way tho. Avoiding you while I all I want to do is talk and figure out what goes through that mind of yours. Maybe I am scared of what you make me feel, scared of how I would do anything you ask of me. Since my avoiding game is so strong today I might as well tell you how I have been doing over posts. I am sick, coughing constantly, headaches every few hours and the goddamn pain. It isn’t that hard to suppress how I feel about you but slowly it’ll start eating me alive from the inside. All I want is for you to be happy or at least truly satisfied. I want to see you smile darling, not one of those fake smiles you walk around with at school but a real smile. You deserve the world, you deserve to be treated like the fucking princess that you are. Man I hope the girl you grow fond of next treats you right and doesn’t make you her secret. I won’t try anything with you so don’t worry because I’m leaving soon. I’m working really hard on graduating and leaving and I couldn’t do that to anyone. Staying is not really an option after finishing school. I am a mess, a big fucking mess.