feelings

This week hasn't really been a great week for me. I had to deal with getting my exam grades back, a bunch of bad news and I had to control my emotions a lot. My exam grades aren't as bad as I thought they would be yet I have to do a resit for economics because I got an F. My week started out pretty grades despite having the flu, the weekend had just passed and I had gone out with a few of my closest friends to celebrate a friend her 18th birthday. So on tuesday it was my mom's birthday along with a good friend of mine. On tuesday I also found out that my ex crush asked my friend out and I freaked out, not because I still like him or anything but because it made me sic to think that he didn't want me but he did want her so I went home after she told me despite having two more lessons that day. I felt really bad and really worthless that day and I got angry, like really angry I punched the walls in my house a few times until my knuckles cracked and almost bled. I didn't go to school the next day, I didn't want to face her nor the guy because they are both in my class and also because I woke up really sick. I have had the flu and a sore throat for about two weeks already and the migraines started again. Wednesday after my mom returned from work my grandma called me and shared the news with me that she has breast cancer. I don't think I have ever shared how much my grandma means to me but the news she gave me just broke me down. I felt like I the world had stopped, I felt like I couldn't get any air into my lungs nor another beat out of my heart. I cried, I still cry for her. She is getting operated in two weeks and afterwards she will go to radiation in Colombia. I still feel like I can't breath. I can't help but worry even if she doesn't. Today she got all emotional and told me "If I die I want to die knowing my daughter graduated" and when I corrected her she just said she didn't make a mistake and walked away. I can't even write this without tearing up. She doesn't even see me as her granddaughter but more like her daughter. I might as well be her daughter, I've been bounded to her ever since my dad left me when I was two years old. I love her and soon I will be getting "I love you J" tattooed on me in her handwriting and in French because that is her all time favorite language. I haven't spoken nor seen some of my really good friends in some time and at times it feels like they only contact me when they need me and I think it's sad because it seems like I'm only needed when they need something from me, either material, my advice or my ears. I can't stand this, feeling unneeded, unwanted, sad, angry