inevitable

Perfection seemed to be something I thought could never be achieved. That was until I met you, you hypnotized me with your eyes and had me hooked on your voice. Every touch send my heart into a frenzy, it would beat so fast I for sure thought it would explode. Your words send my brain into overdrive, not letting me forget a single word you said to me, still not letting me forget. The voice you would tell me you loved me oh god how much I loved hearing you say that. Although back then I actually thought you meant them but now I know it was all a facade but oh baby remember how I did mean the "i love you"s. Those 3 words that ruined my whole existence those words that ruined my wellbeing, my heart, my soul, me. You ruined me with those words, you ruined me when you left, leaving me to cut my hands trying to pick up the pieces you left me in. But god I loved you, loving you was never a chore but more like blinking. Loving you was inevitable, yet hating you for all these heart aches is also inevitable. Not only did I cut my hands on the broken pieces but with you walking over them shattering them made me lose it, made those pieces unrepairable. You took away my happiness but oh how foolish of me to put something so important in the slippery hands of someone so clumsy. It slipped right through those rough hands and got swallowed by a black hole. I've been unable to find it ever since, unable to truly be happy without having this chest ache wash over reminding me I'm still missing a few shattered pieces of the person I was before you came along. 

horribly messy diary entry

As promised I'm writing again, I have 7/11 playing, there is school glue sticking to my bare feet. What do I write about this time? What do you guys want to hear? Maybe about how every time I used to look in the mirror I saw myself yet I was never satisfied, maybe I'm still not fully satisfied yet now I appreciate what I have more. So what if I don't have C-cup boobs? Sure I wish I did but I'm actually satisfied with my A-cup grapes, ass now that is something I was pretty blessed with. Pin straight hair some girls dream of but my point is that we are blessed with these feature sure we can go and get surgery and in my opinion everyone can do what they please. I can sit here and say everyone is beautiful but we knows of ourselves that we think some people are ugly especially if they are around that one special person, right? Shake it off came on by miss t swizzle and I danced, yep I stood up and shook what my mama gave me but back to what I was saying which I don't know anymore this is beyond messy but guys hey I'm still working on my 'novel/short story' and I found the perfect couple to portray my Jovi and Bryer, Yes I just revealed the names to you guys. So my class made me sit next to my crush a few days ago for about an hour and a half and I got so angry and I just put in my headphones so I wouldn't be bothered but then I felt so rude cause he asked me if I was okay and I felt bad but when we talked it was kinda okay yet now I've decided that I don't anymore distractions but yesterday he stared at me while he drove away from school and ugh I kinda died. I hope he doesn't know of my blog if he does I would die or probably kiss him and run away. Yeah I'd kiss him, mhm, maybe, mhm, probably not. Bye guys I'm sorry I'm horrible

happiness?

So she told me I was hard to please. She said its because I'm not happy, that she has tried to make me happy for a month yet we barely talk. How do you expect me to be happy if everything around me is going wrong? Bad grades, shitty friends, terrible family feuds and miserably crushing on this amazing person who still hasn't noticed me. Wanting to tell my family that bisexuality is not all bad yet knowing how racist and traditional they are scare the living crap out of me. This terrible headache I'm having while writing because I haven't written in almost a month, kinda working on a novel or short story you could say. How is this a poem if I only express my feeling? Maybe this blog is becoming my diary or maybe I'm just really bad at writing and forming my inner thoughts into flowing sentences. I'll never be like the writer of my favorite blog. Goddamn she is amazing and her writing will one day dominate this world for real. So what will I do in the mean time? Will I finish that damn short story? Even if I can't form my imagination into flowing sentences? maybe I should just give it a shot you know? Try and if I fail I'll at least know I did my best right? But what if my best has never been my best? What if I have to push myself till the edge of the bridge? Maybe take the risk of jumping of that cliff and into the water below, the water where you plunge into and fight to come back above for that fresh breath of air. I'd come above smiling at the thrill of having taken that risk, having given it my all and finally reaching all my dreams. That was all for this session my loves, I gotta go but I promise I'll post again within the next week, I'll spend most of my days trying to word my thoughts for you.

She

It wasn't even dawn yet and you could already smell the sun starting to come up yet she was already awake running through her house, trying to occupy herself, trying to distract her from the reality that has become her life. The reality that has haunted her for the past few months, the bags under her eyes haven't gone away for weeks, the sleeping pills no longer work. Closing her eyes for more than a few minutes already makes the horrible memories surface. She drinks herself into a comatose state just for 4 hours of sleep every night, 4 hours of sleep haven't been enough for her to function right at her shitty job. She goes to work, she gets home, searches for the bottles before sulking on the alcohol until her body finally gives up and collapses. The days flashed by yet dragged along leaving her with the torturous memories and permanent scars on her once smooth skin. The horrible burn marks that stretch across her thighs and ankles, a daily reminder of how she couldn't save them, a permanent reminder of how her wife and princess died in the horrible house fire while they managed to get her out. They pulled her screaming out of the house, not because her flesh was being burned open no but because of the screams of her little girl and her wife. The screams for her to help them yet she was too late, the fire fighters couldn't do anything, they were too late. She spend many nights after that reliving that night, she could still hear their screams, struggles, their pleads and lastly nothing, they had suffocated and after that burned to ashes, beyond recognition. On their first death anniversary she decided to join them in a special place. She loved them so much she gave up her life to be with them again.

diary entry

It's almost 11pm which is usually not my breaking down hour but I guess today is different. She didn't acknowledge my existence, she hasn't really in a while now. I guess you can say we got really close really fast. Letting her into my personal space wasn't hard at all, she has this aura which made me feel at home. Feeling at home is something I haven't felt in a while. We shared what I think was all our deepest darkest secrets if you can call them that. She hasn't bolted to the door yet which is what I usually expect when I share my story with new people and after what she has trusted me with I don't plan on leaving either. I want to help her feel better yet there is always this wall when we get a bit too cozy with each other. I guess this whole entry is about how I'm starting to like this amazing girl who I started talking to again only two weeks ago. We used to go to school together 5 to 6 years ago, she used to scare me back then. I know I shouldn't get attached because it usually backfires the person leaves but she promised me she's not like everyone else who has left, she promised me she'll stay with me. I hope that if she reads this she won't shut me out nor think I've absolutely lost my senses. She's almost the only person who can make me cry of laughter after we were just screaming at each other a few minutes before, she intrigues me but most of all she makes me want to become a better person. 

undecided masochist lover

she was always around taunting me, teasing me, out shining me. She would never give me a chance to be the bright one in the relationship until I snapped. I smacked that crooked smile right of her face but it didn't feel like she hated me for it. Her eyes shined with an emotion I hadn't seen before, it looked like she enjoyed me using her as my punching bag. Slaps soon turned into punches and shoves yet she never left. She loved me and I loved her yet I couldn't help but resent her, that grin she shoots me, lovey doves eyes. I hate attachment and she stuck to me like plaster, we started out as just hook ups which turned into actually falling for her. I yelled and yelled until I found her journal which explained why she never left. She loved the pain, she was a masochist. She never told me this, it seems like the strokes, caresses and gentleness only caused her pain yet the smacks, stomps and shoves caused her pleasure. Her once pale skin was battered, tainted with purple and blue bruises which my love left on her. Why do I hurt this women who I care so much about? Why do I hurt the only women I've ever loved besides my mom? Have you ever seen that movie with Logan Lerman in which he plays a fucked up kid? I remember him saying 'we accept the love we think we deserve' maybe that's why she hasn't left yet or maybe it's her masochistic self stopping her. I want to change, I want to be better I want to be someone she deserves.
slap.
heartache.
punch.
heartache.
shove.
heartache.
i love you.
undecided.
smile jealousy, achievement jealousy, happiness jealousy.

letter to you (I)

Basorexia

Defined as an overwhelming desire to kiss

The first time I read that word, you popped into my mind like an unhealthy addiction. That's what you were to me, another unhealthy addiction instead of the burning amber liquor and smokes. I needed a dose of that raspy voice and those plain dark orbs. The withdrawals I've been suffering after not having you for the last three weeks have been intense, insomnia nostalgia bulimia but most importantly basorexia.

My overwhelming desire to kiss you, feel every inch of your body pressed tightly against mine. I need to breath you in, memorize all the bumps on your skin, burn them into my memory so I'll never forget them. Oh baby the way you make me feel. How you got me from not wanting to fall in love again to head over heels for you. I never got the chance to properly tell you how much I loved you in person but instead I blurted it out via voice note after you left while high on that damn drink. I felt like you needed to know so with tears falling from my red swollen eyes I finally confessed my thoughts to you, even heavily intoxicated all I could think about were those magnificent plain brown eyes that used to hold so much passion yet are now clouded with disappointment.

I never meant to disappoint you my love but I did and I hate myself everyday a bit more for it. I'm almost giving in to the temptation to tear myself open to feel physical pain but I can't because you'd be even more disappointed in me and maybe even yourself. Remember how you told me you'd beat up the person that led me to self destruction? Well if you find out it's you right now you'd feel guilty. Amber liquor and smokes every time I have the chance, slowly killing my insides but not giving a single damn.

I was told that putting my 'happiness' in your hands was wrong but they don't understand that I never did that. With you I always felt like myself and relieved I didn't have to hide anything from you my love.

But now as the clock ticks and I'm writing this in the comfort of my bedroom I want to apologize for being such a disappointment and letting you down. Elise wrote in my favorite poem ever 'this is anything but self-pity, this is self-hatred' and that is what this is my love. Trust me when I say you did the right thing by hurting me and pushing me away because you deserve so much better then I can offer to give. You my love deserve someone who can bring you the damn milky way while I can't even get you the chocolate. So my love, are you ready to leave me for good? This is the last you'll hear from this plain ol jane, good bye my beautiful beach bombshell, my tomboy playing basketball player, my torch who guided me to the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for the short journey my love,

Goodbye