so fucking real

Happy 19th birthday my love, what a journey it has been right? Tomorrow technically today marks our third anniversary that we broke up. No explanation, no reason you just shattered my heart on christmas day. Oh how cruel was that my love, why? I loved you so much, yes I'm okay now but you still haven't told me why. I know you still like me but no longer love me like you did before. Maybe we were too young for love. You were 16 and I was 14 puppy love as most would call it yet it felt so real, all of it felt so fucking real. So real I can still taste you on my lips, so real I can still smell you on my clothes. So fucking real I wish I still had you.

anxiety

And as I was laying down looking at the stars, trying to calm myself down from the horrible anxiety that hit me I started thinking. Maybe I make myself sick, make myself sad and miserable. Can you spare yourself the vicious cycle of fine-great-sad-mad-miserable-fine. I mean I try over and over again to not feel this away but then an anxiety attack hits and it feels like my lungs just collapse making it impossible to breath right and I feel my heart rate pick up and I panic. Panic only makes it worse, I start crying and I panic even more then I start hyperventilating yet when I tell one of my grown ups that it's getting out of hand they say it's a figment of my imagination. Why is so hard to control anxiety? Why can't I control my emotions and just be fine with everything, be fine with the hurt the betrayal the heartbreak. I have a pounding headache and an aching wrist, how do I do this? Can someone please help me? This silence is killing me yet I can't bare sounds right now. I'm sorry for this Sorry I can't write anything good, anything worthy. I need help.

shivers

I dreamt about you last night, not completely you but still you. She told me she was your older sister and that she knew I loved you. As much as I wanted to deny it I couldn’t. I couldn’t because she wouldn’t let me, she stood over my shoulder and kept repeating the same words over and over again, her warm breath fanned against my neck. Oh how that gave me shivers, shivers so hard that it woke me up. I woke up in my dark room wishing you were next to me. She looked just like you, exactly the same, despite claiming she was your older sister I think it was you, who else could give me such intense shivers? Your eyes used to hold this mischievous look whenever you gave me shivers but in my dream your eyes held so much intensity that it scared me. Your look made me wonder if you were going to pounce on me, destroy me in the most lovely way, make me not want to live without you but oh baby don’t worry because I’ll return the favour. I’ll make you miss me when I leave for work, I’ll make you miss the way I prepare your tea, miss the way I kiss you good morning. We will travel the world and leave our mark so it’ll be impossible to return without the other. I’ll destroy you and you’ll destroy me yet we won’t feel destroyed when we’re together only when we’re apart will we feel that pain and that void in our body, soul and heart. We won’t be able to live without the other.

magical

It was magical, I had a Christmas dinner with the school seniors and we danced and laughed and just had some sober fun you know, I kinda forgot what it was like to not have to drink to have such a good time. After it ended my classmates and I decided to go to the beach, we ran on the beach and damn it was magical, it felt like we were a movie until I tripped and fell in the sand. If only you cared, if only you actually stuck with me, if only you acknowledged my love for you, if only if only if only. I have so many questions yet knowing the answer might break me even more than you already have. I don't understand why my last text posts have been about you, you've made your feelings towards me very clear. Guys say they want a loyal woman yet when they have her they think with the head between their legs. Oh baby how I miss you, I miss our friendship you were my best friend and now look at us, broken up and not even friends anymore. I might write a lot about you and our story yet I wouldn't want you back darling, I wouldn't want someone who treated me so bad back. "Yes I like you yet I think friend with benefits would be better" that was the last straw because when you said those words I knew that the guy I once loved had vanished.

stained

Maybe I'm convinced that if we see each other, talk to each other, touch each other. I"m convinced that if all those things happen that we would fall all over again, small touches, intimate conversations about our expectations of life. Maybe it was those small conversations that make us fall so hard, baring our soul to someone else, sharing that story you never wanted to repeat because how can you forget about something if you keep being reminded about it? What if I never wanted to tell you my story and you never intended on telling me yours, would we have still fallen in love if we hadn't shared those talks? Even though we aren't together anymore I still love you, no matter how many times you've screwed me over I will always have a soft spot for you. It doesn't matter, it really doesn't but trust me darling I can't bare much more, I can't bare to watch you with her because it still hurts. My whole street is consumed with memories I have with you, walking outside is a struggle knowing that we won't ever roams those streets hand in hand again, remember the cemetery? It used to be my favorite place to go to when I needed to think, I haven't set foot in it since the day we last kissed there. You ruined all my favorite places, ruined them all with the memories stained across them. You have stained me with your perfume, your gaze, your breath oh for you have stained my existence with your own my love.

diary entry?

So what is this? Do I start all my entrees with the word 'So' but beside that this day started out ordinary but my friends made it great. My little cousin spend almost the whole afternoon with me being silly goddamn I do love her to death. I'm going to miss her when I leave to go study, if I ever get there. I made 5 exams a week and a half ago, just guess how many I actually aced? Never mind I'll just tell you, I got 2 B's and 3 F's guess who is going to get murdered by her mom yes this girl. I'm not going home for the weekend, I'm spending the weekend at my dad's house and he's letting me go out tonight which I technically don't deserve due to the grades yet he said I need to vent. What's done is done, I can't change the grades anymore yet I do have a resit for math. Is it bad I wanna get really drunk just to forget the grades, forget his face, forget everything? It probably is yet I can't be bothered to care, I can't be bothered to do anything anymore, the only think I want to do is sit outside stare at the moon and cry. Cry for my dead uncle, cry for my bad grades, cry for the past, basically cry for everything bad that has ever happened to me. Not all my memories are shitty yet most of them are, I have some pretty good memories of when I used to make mud pies with my cousins, we used to run in the rain and play outside in our underwear all the time. Goddamn I feel bad like really bad but just a bad day not a bad life right? That's what I remind myself everyday.

diary entry

I've been staring at the screen for about an hour trying to figure out what I have to write so I decided to do another diary entry. She called my diary entrees word vomit which is so legit. I have so many poems I'm working on yet can't seem to get more done then just the beginning, I find it hard to continue since I usually write when I'm sad and I haven't been really sad in a while which is a good thing I suppose. Made a typo on twitter but I can't even be bothered to delete it and tweet it again. Robbers from the 1975 has been on replay and I can't get enough of the music video yet I'm more of an Arctic Monkeys fan, Fireside and 505 goddamn. So my friend made shortcuts on my phone and changed 'no' to 'tacotuesday' and 'yes' to 'chickenpie' I don't know if I should laugh or be angry. CAN YOU TALK TO ME? Like please, you stare at me during class at times yet you don't talk to me and it's getting fucking annoying I mean TALK TO ME. Bye guys