magical

It was magical, I had a Christmas dinner with the school seniors and we danced and laughed and just had some sober fun you know, I kinda forgot what it was like to not have to drink to have such a good time. After it ended my classmates and I decided to go to the beach, we ran on the beach and damn it was magical, it felt like we were a movie until I tripped and fell in the sand. If only you cared, if only you actually stuck with me, if only you acknowledged my love for you, if only if only if only. I have so many questions yet knowing the answer might break me even more than you already have. I don't understand why my last text posts have been about you, you've made your feelings towards me very clear. Guys say they want a loyal woman yet when they have her they think with the head between their legs. Oh baby how I miss you, I miss our friendship you were my best friend and now look at us, broken up and not even friends anymore. I might write a lot about you and our story yet I wouldn't want you back darling, I wouldn't want someone who treated me so bad back. "Yes I like you yet I think friend with benefits would be better" that was the last straw because when you said those words I knew that the guy I once loved had vanished.

stained

Maybe I'm convinced that if we see each other, talk to each other, touch each other. I"m convinced that if all those things happen that we would fall all over again, small touches, intimate conversations about our expectations of life. Maybe it was those small conversations that make us fall so hard, baring our soul to someone else, sharing that story you never wanted to repeat because how can you forget about something if you keep being reminded about it? What if I never wanted to tell you my story and you never intended on telling me yours, would we have still fallen in love if we hadn't shared those talks? Even though we aren't together anymore I still love you, no matter how many times you've screwed me over I will always have a soft spot for you. It doesn't matter, it really doesn't but trust me darling I can't bare much more, I can't bare to watch you with her because it still hurts. My whole street is consumed with memories I have with you, walking outside is a struggle knowing that we won't ever roams those streets hand in hand again, remember the cemetery? It used to be my favorite place to go to when I needed to think, I haven't set foot in it since the day we last kissed there. You ruined all my favorite places, ruined them all with the memories stained across them. You have stained me with your perfume, your gaze, your breath oh for you have stained my existence with your own my love.

diary entry?

So what is this? Do I start all my entrees with the word 'So' but beside that this day started out ordinary but my friends made it great. My little cousin spend almost the whole afternoon with me being silly goddamn I do love her to death. I'm going to miss her when I leave to go study, if I ever get there. I made 5 exams a week and a half ago, just guess how many I actually aced? Never mind I'll just tell you, I got 2 B's and 3 F's guess who is going to get murdered by her mom yes this girl. I'm not going home for the weekend, I'm spending the weekend at my dad's house and he's letting me go out tonight which I technically don't deserve due to the grades yet he said I need to vent. What's done is done, I can't change the grades anymore yet I do have a resit for math. Is it bad I wanna get really drunk just to forget the grades, forget his face, forget everything? It probably is yet I can't be bothered to care, I can't be bothered to do anything anymore, the only think I want to do is sit outside stare at the moon and cry. Cry for my dead uncle, cry for my bad grades, cry for the past, basically cry for everything bad that has ever happened to me. Not all my memories are shitty yet most of them are, I have some pretty good memories of when I used to make mud pies with my cousins, we used to run in the rain and play outside in our underwear all the time. Goddamn I feel bad like really bad but just a bad day not a bad life right? That's what I remind myself everyday.

diary entry

I've been staring at the screen for about an hour trying to figure out what I have to write so I decided to do another diary entry. She called my diary entrees word vomit which is so legit. I have so many poems I'm working on yet can't seem to get more done then just the beginning, I find it hard to continue since I usually write when I'm sad and I haven't been really sad in a while which is a good thing I suppose. Made a typo on twitter but I can't even be bothered to delete it and tweet it again. Robbers from the 1975 has been on replay and I can't get enough of the music video yet I'm more of an Arctic Monkeys fan, Fireside and 505 goddamn. So my friend made shortcuts on my phone and changed 'no' to 'tacotuesday' and 'yes' to 'chickenpie' I don't know if I should laugh or be angry. CAN YOU TALK TO ME? Like please, you stare at me during class at times yet you don't talk to me and it's getting fucking annoying I mean TALK TO ME. Bye guys

inevitable

Perfection seemed to be something I thought could never be achieved. That was until I met you, you hypnotized me with your eyes and had me hooked on your voice. Every touch send my heart into a frenzy, it would beat so fast I for sure thought it would explode. Your words send my brain into overdrive, not letting me forget a single word you said to me, still not letting me forget. The voice you would tell me you loved me oh god how much I loved hearing you say that. Although back then I actually thought you meant them but now I know it was all a facade but oh baby remember how I did mean the "i love you"s. Those 3 words that ruined my whole existence those words that ruined my wellbeing, my heart, my soul, me. You ruined me with those words, you ruined me when you left, leaving me to cut my hands trying to pick up the pieces you left me in. But god I loved you, loving you was never a chore but more like blinking. Loving you was inevitable, yet hating you for all these heart aches is also inevitable. Not only did I cut my hands on the broken pieces but with you walking over them shattering them made me lose it, made those pieces unrepairable. You took away my happiness but oh how foolish of me to put something so important in the slippery hands of someone so clumsy. It slipped right through those rough hands and got swallowed by a black hole. I've been unable to find it ever since, unable to truly be happy without having this chest ache wash over reminding me I'm still missing a few shattered pieces of the person I was before you came along. 

horribly messy diary entry

As promised I'm writing again, I have 7/11 playing, there is school glue sticking to my bare feet. What do I write about this time? What do you guys want to hear? Maybe about how every time I used to look in the mirror I saw myself yet I was never satisfied, maybe I'm still not fully satisfied yet now I appreciate what I have more. So what if I don't have C-cup boobs? Sure I wish I did but I'm actually satisfied with my A-cup grapes, ass now that is something I was pretty blessed with. Pin straight hair some girls dream of but my point is that we are blessed with these feature sure we can go and get surgery and in my opinion everyone can do what they please. I can sit here and say everyone is beautiful but we knows of ourselves that we think some people are ugly especially if they are around that one special person, right? Shake it off came on by miss t swizzle and I danced, yep I stood up and shook what my mama gave me but back to what I was saying which I don't know anymore this is beyond messy but guys hey I'm still working on my 'novel/short story' and I found the perfect couple to portray my Jovi and Bryer, Yes I just revealed the names to you guys. So my class made me sit next to my crush a few days ago for about an hour and a half and I got so angry and I just put in my headphones so I wouldn't be bothered but then I felt so rude cause he asked me if I was okay and I felt bad but when we talked it was kinda okay yet now I've decided that I don't anymore distractions but yesterday he stared at me while he drove away from school and ugh I kinda died. I hope he doesn't know of my blog if he does I would die or probably kiss him and run away. Yeah I'd kiss him, mhm, maybe, mhm, probably not. Bye guys I'm sorry I'm horrible

happiness?

So she told me I was hard to please. She said its because I'm not happy, that she has tried to make me happy for a month yet we barely talk. How do you expect me to be happy if everything around me is going wrong? Bad grades, shitty friends, terrible family feuds and miserably crushing on this amazing person who still hasn't noticed me. Wanting to tell my family that bisexuality is not all bad yet knowing how racist and traditional they are scare the living crap out of me. This terrible headache I'm having while writing because I haven't written in almost a month, kinda working on a novel or short story you could say. How is this a poem if I only express my feeling? Maybe this blog is becoming my diary or maybe I'm just really bad at writing and forming my inner thoughts into flowing sentences. I'll never be like the writer of my favorite blog. Goddamn she is amazing and her writing will one day dominate this world for real. So what will I do in the mean time? Will I finish that damn short story? Even if I can't form my imagination into flowing sentences? maybe I should just give it a shot you know? Try and if I fail I'll at least know I did my best right? But what if my best has never been my best? What if I have to push myself till the edge of the bridge? Maybe take the risk of jumping of that cliff and into the water below, the water where you plunge into and fight to come back above for that fresh breath of air. I'd come above smiling at the thrill of having taken that risk, having given it my all and finally reaching all my dreams. That was all for this session my loves, I gotta go but I promise I'll post again within the next week, I'll spend most of my days trying to word my thoughts for you.