30/06/2016

it felt like i was dying
driving in this horrible black tunnel until a burst of light
punched me, it literally hit me
spun me out of control
tumbled me upside down
left me there
in screaming agony
waiting for someone to save me
waiting for someone to open this door
to get me back to safety
back to reality
trying to calm me down
stop me from screaming
making sure everyone around me was okay
even after everything i caused
forgetting to stop and pay attention
forgetting to turn on the lights
but it all resulted in my life changing in a matter of seconds
it resulted in all this trauma i didn't think id have
all the tears and all the aches
waking up the next morning with a bruised and battered body
being told that the soreness will only get worse
being told that i was lucky to be alive
i caused all of this
almost killed my friend
almost killed the other people
it shook me
it made me realise
how lucky i am to still be here
but it also made me realise
how much i can actually hate myself
how guilty i feel
and how i don't feel like i can apologise enough from what i've caused

forever in my drafts

29/10/2015
empty promises were all you could deliver
even when you tried to be good for me
you couldn't
i know you tried but you just couldn't keep it together
you threw around promises like they meant nothing
like you could actually keep them
but you can't can you?
it isn't as easy as 123 now is it
not as easy as you had hoped
im not as easy as you had hoped
you had me spellbound
with the slightest touches
i craved you like you were the cure to my insanity


21/04/2016
promises fulfilled
but not by you
promises accomplished by myself
just me
promised i wouldn't cry about you anymore
promised i wouldn't look you up anymore
and i succeeded, i don't care for you anymore
i don't bother to listen when people try to tell me about you
im not responsible for you anymore
you aren't my light anymore
i broke the spell, i broke your curse


19/06/2016
seeing your face again for the first time in a few months
disappointed in myself for letting it bother me
still looking as good as you did before
more ink decorating your arms now
more fake smiles casted towards others
you think i don't notice
its everyone else who doesn't
still surrounding yourself with shitty people
you always complained no one ever listened
but i did
i always listened
i always cared
but do i still get to care after all this time?
i can't tell anymore

18/08/2016
being in holland for almost a month
remembering you were important to me
remembering you don't even remember me
moving on by moving away

discolouration

you didn't mark me so i was yours, you marked me so no one else could have me
not you, not anyone
visualising me being taken while knowing you'd never be there after that night
it must have been easy
to capture me knowing you'd throw me out as soon as
you got what you were looking for
you got my attention, my affection and even mistakenly my heart
it was never meant to be yours
but isn't that what you like?
taking stuff that isn't yours to take
taking the happiness people have found within you
i wasn't her, i didn't take your happiness
instead i gave you mine
which you took until someone else started giving it to you

you didn't need me anymore
you never needed me to begin with
i was just a small paragraph in the disastrous chronicle that is your life.

you

its realising all the mistakes i made while we were together

its realising all the times i had the chances to kiss you but i didn’t

its realising all the "i love you’s” i could’ve confessed to you but didn’t

its realising that i shouldn’t have had to said it because all my actions expressed it to you

every phone call

every errand run

every ‘drive safe’

every god damn night we spend together
every god damn time i held you tight in my arms

you should’ve known that i loved you yet you didn’t

i of all people should’ve known that you wouldn’t pick up on that, that you would be oblivious of my love for you

and after all this time i just can't get rid of you

its months later and now we spoke and apologised

its months since we both lost ourselves in the depths of our bad decisions 

its months and yet i can't let you go

its months and i still love you

post traumatic eyes disorder

your eyes had always intrigued me

when we met;
 they held so much emotion
so much damage
it told me they story of how your heart had been broken

when we were together;
i fixed what seemed to be broken
they shone like i had never before seen

when we left each other;
the shine i put there no longer shone for me
suddenly the shone again for the one who dimmed them in the first place
i had healed you, brought brightness back into them

aftermath;
you left my eyes without their shine
as for you took away my shine to light up your own
and i let you because to me it seemed that your happiness was more important than mine

our own personal heroin

"he can make you see the world through his eyes"
"he makes you love him like he’s the last man alive"

"he makes you feel everything and nothing at once"
"he makes me feel so special without even trying"

what is it like for a pair of best friends to fall in love with the same guy?

its knowing exactly how he sleeps

knowing how he sweet talks someone

knowing how he is literally the devil in disguise 

its feeling everything and nothing at the same time while being his

its talking to him till fucking dawn because neither of us can bare to stop talking to the other

its smiling at your phone, waiting for his texts and calls

its falling so irrevocably in love with him

because he seems to perfect

he seems so kind, caring, loving

he seems like the best damn person to share your life with

up until he leaves

he will leave 

but his memory will stay

like a goddamn stain in your goddamn mind

a stain you can't get out no matter how fucking hard you try

he will leave you with all the promises he makes yet cannot fulfil

he won't feel an inch of remorse

and when he sees you on the street, it will be as if nothing ever happened

as if he doesn't even remember those nights of deep conversations nor freezing nights where he provided you with his body heat

as if you never meant a damn thing to him

its calling that best friend, sobbing while they console you

knowing what it feels like to be played by such a dedicated player

its wondering who destroyed him?

because thats all he's doing to others right now

cold day

she reminded me of coffee, 
not because im trying to romanticize brown eyes but because she always kept me up late at night, 
never letting me go to sleep.

on a cold day she could make all my insides warm up, 

like nothing or no one else could.

tiny mistakes could make her too bitter or too sweet, 

it all depended on how you treated her,

stirring her was my favorite part.

stirring together everything that was necessary to make her her, 

to make her enjoyable 

i could never leave her behind, 

id always drink every single drop, 

not wanting to waste such a beautiful thing.

she was my coffee, 

she ruined coffee for me because every time i drink it now it hauls me back 

back into this pit ive worked so hard on climbing out of.