post traumatic eyes disorder

your eyes had always intrigued me

when we met;
 they held so much emotion
so much damage
it told me they story of how your heart had been broken

when we were together;
i fixed what seemed to be broken
they shone like i had never before seen

when we left each other;
the shine i put there no longer shone for me
suddenly the shone again for the one who dimmed them in the first place
i had healed you, brought brightness back into them

aftermath;
you left my eyes without their shine
as for you took away my shine to light up your own
and i let you because to me it seemed that your happiness was more important than mine

our own personal heroin

"he can make you see the world through his eyes"
"he makes you love him like he’s the last man alive"

"he makes you feel everything and nothing at once"
"he makes me feel so special without even trying"

what is it like for a pair of best friends to fall in love with the same guy?

its knowing exactly how he sleeps

knowing how he sweet talks someone

knowing how he is literally the devil in disguise 

its feeling everything and nothing at the same time while being his

its talking to him till fucking dawn because neither of us can bare to stop talking to the other

its smiling at your phone, waiting for his texts and calls

its falling so irrevocably in love with him

because he seems to perfect

he seems so kind, caring, loving

he seems like the best damn person to share your life with

up until he leaves

he will leave 

but his memory will stay

like a goddamn stain in your goddamn mind

a stain you can't get out no matter how fucking hard you try

he will leave you with all the promises he makes yet cannot fulfil

he won't feel an inch of remorse

and when he sees you on the street, it will be as if nothing ever happened

as if he doesn't even remember those nights of deep conversations nor freezing nights where he provided you with his body heat

as if you never meant a damn thing to him

its calling that best friend, sobbing while they console you

knowing what it feels like to be played by such a dedicated player

its wondering who destroyed him?

because thats all he's doing to others right now

cold day

she reminded me of coffee, 
not because im trying to romanticize brown eyes but because she always kept me up late at night, 
never letting me go to sleep.

on a cold day she could make all my insides warm up, 

like nothing or no one else could.

tiny mistakes could make her too bitter or too sweet, 

it all depended on how you treated her,

stirring her was my favorite part.

stirring together everything that was necessary to make her her, 

to make her enjoyable 

i could never leave her behind, 

id always drink every single drop, 

not wanting to waste such a beautiful thing.

she was my coffee, 

she ruined coffee for me because every time i drink it now it hauls me back 

back into this pit ive worked so hard on climbing out of.

portrayed as an angel

you were portrayed as an angel but far from it,

manipulative

impulsive

seductive

you had your claws so deeply plunged into me

controlling me like i was your puppet 

not giving a fuck about my feelings

about my emotions

about my life

all i had to care about was you

all i had to worry about was you

all my priorities had to be you

you wanted every single inch of my being

when i surrendered myself to you but it still wasn’t enough

it had never been enough

you released me

retrieved your so deeply etched claws

leaving me empty

hollow

dark

you took everything you had made me to be

and left me without a single clue of who i was supposed to be now

who as i before you?

can i even recall?

i dont think i can but from that emptiness i will find my fill

from that hollowness i will build my sunflower field

from that darkness i will find my sunshine

you may have shattered my being but i will rise again

you will not stop me

2am thoughts

so tell me, was i just another easy girl you had to fulfill your needs? just another girl to help you get over the one before?
what happened to me making you feel alive? that i understand you really well?
we could have deep conversations that would last for hours and somehow comfort each other, yet now all of that went to shit.
i was told to open myself up again because who knows maybe you were different? maybe you would appreciate me being emotionally there, maybe you would not take my 'golden heart' as you call it for granted.
you told me i deserved so much more than she gave me, that you had seen how much effort i had put into her and how much i was emotionally there for her, that what she did to me was bullshit yet here you are doing the exact same thing as she did.
only difference is that you actually dropped me, while she kept coming back and fucking me over.
i was right to be scared that i would be hurt again because that happened and now im here typing away like a mad man with no real purpose.
im here at almost 2am trying to wrap my head around the fact that i was never important to you like you had told me, im here trying to not cry at all the anger and hurt im feeling right now.
hope it was worth it tho, being an asshole while claiming you are different.

stars

i wanna be amongst the stars, shining bright when the sky seems too empty, guiding you thru a dark night, or be there for you when you need something more beautiful than her eyes. let me be amongst the beautiful stars so i wont feel this pain anymore, so i can take away some pain from others just like stars have taken away my pain temporarily. let me be a star so i can shine like i couldnt here as a human, let me be beautiful and shining. i might be dead, not existing anymore yet my shine and light will still be here with everyone.

empty promise, i won't fall for it

it feels like another empty promise, how many times have you said you don't want to hurt me anymore? probably a shit ton of times, last week you said the same thing while we were in bed, my bed, the same bed i cant sleep in without remembering how crowded it was with you next to me yet not giving a single fuck because i had you pressed up against me. when will it finally be the last time you hurt me? 'She's hurting too' yeah boo fucking hoo guess who had their heart broken all over again. guess who stood outside her best friends party sobbing her eyes out. Guess who had to get picked up by her friends, actual friends who drove back to come get her because they actually gave a fuck. Me, i had to get picked up by my friends, i was the one outside sobbing my eyes out. while you had your fucking lips latched onto hers, not even thinking about how it would make me feel being just a few feet away, did you think i wouldn't find out?  but always the same excuse tho 'i don't remember anything, i was drunk, i didnt eat anything that day' always the same fucking excuse. so why should i forgive you again, so you can hurt me again in a few weeks? 'she's been trying really hard' i call bullshit i call fucking bullshit! i don't see you trying 'hard'. do you really think a stupid letter telling me everything that i already know and a rose will make up for all the heart ache you brought me over the past week and on top of that you aren't giving me any fucking time. i'm broken right now, i'm fucking broken yet you don't give me any time to heal, its been a week. a week doesn't heal anything. and forcing yourself to see me whenever i try to hang out with my best friend won't help, it'll only make me detest you more than i do now. it won't ever be the same anymore, i have been your doormat way too fucking long. you had me and you lost me because of your own stupid decisions. so i hope it was worth it, because she still can't stand you and now neither can i. i've been 'done' a bunch of times but trust me this time i'm done for real. don't try anymore because i can't even look at you without being angry. stop trying you're only 'hurt' because now you don't have a doormat to walk all over anymore. stop trying to make things better because you don't mean it. a rose and a letter mean nothing. 'Actions speak louder than words' prove to me that you're sorry because now i don't believe shit you say.