02/14/15 - present day

i remember the day we met

how careful we were around each other

how we sent each other little innocent smiles

how our arms would brush against each other

i remember you pulling me to stand between your thighs to hide you from someone you didn't want to see

i remember looking deep into your eyes, you looked so beautiful 

i remember us subtly flirting with each other

sharing drinks

dancing together

laughing together

i remember how short you were but then realising that i was wearing heels

even without heels I'm slightly taller

you letting me sit in front

i remember subtly asking you for your number

talking for 10 minutes in the car after the others had gotten out

kissing you on the cheek after you dropped us off at home

us talking the remainder of the night

us sharing everything together

getting to know each other

become close friends

texting every single day

seeing you every single day

sleeping next to each other 

driving around together

being each others everything

it was all the heart break that came along with you

all the betrayal i felt after i found out

all the fights we had

all the pointless arguments we had

all the screaming and crying 

all the heartache

all the sleepless nights

all those tears spilled

because i fell in love

because you didn't know what you wanted 

because we were never meant to be together

never meant to be friends

never meant to be more

because we are toxic together

i am toxic, you are toxic

and together we wouldn't make it

we made each other stronger, we learned from each other 

in the end we are now better people, maybe still a bit bend but better people

we are trying again
we are starting over
a time difference isn't ideal
a time difference is helping us not fall back into
our old habits

it isn't the first time we've tried again
it isn't the first time we are staring over
it isn't the first time everything went wrong

trying again is going good
trying to slowly mend all the cracks we created
trying to find a way to trust one another again
trying to find the perfect balance between too much and too little
trying to just be comfortable with each other again
trying to trust each other again

in the end we always come back together no matter how many times we part ways
we have both changed
a lot of soul searching has happened
we have learned through hard experiences that nothing will ever go our way
we've both experienced karma in the worst way possible
we have both learned to treat each other better
to treat ourselves better
its never too late
apologies have been said
apologies have been accept

days, months, years, we'll see what becomes of us

30/06/2016

it felt like i was dying
driving in this horrible black tunnel until a burst of light
punched me, it literally hit me
spun me out of control
tumbled me upside down
left me there
in screaming agony
waiting for someone to save me
waiting for someone to open this door
to get me back to safety
back to reality
trying to calm me down
stop me from screaming
making sure everyone around me was okay
even after everything i caused
forgetting to stop and pay attention
forgetting to turn on the lights
but it all resulted in my life changing in a matter of seconds
it resulted in all this trauma i didn't think id have
all the tears and all the aches
waking up the next morning with a bruised and battered body
being told that the soreness will only get worse
being told that i was lucky to be alive
i caused all of this
almost killed my friend
almost killed the other people
it shook me
it made me realise
how lucky i am to still be here
but it also made me realise
how much i can actually hate myself
how guilty i feel
and how i don't feel like i can apologise enough from what i've caused

forever in my drafts

29/10/2015
empty promises were all you could deliver
even when you tried to be good for me
you couldn't
i know you tried but you just couldn't keep it together
you threw around promises like they meant nothing
like you could actually keep them
but you can't can you?
it isn't as easy as 123 now is it
not as easy as you had hoped
im not as easy as you had hoped
you had me spellbound
with the slightest touches
i craved you like you were the cure to my insanity


21/04/2016
promises fulfilled
but not by you
promises accomplished by myself
just me
promised i wouldn't cry about you anymore
promised i wouldn't look you up anymore
and i succeeded, i don't care for you anymore
i don't bother to listen when people try to tell me about you
im not responsible for you anymore
you aren't my light anymore
i broke the spell, i broke your curse


19/06/2016
seeing your face again for the first time in a few months
disappointed in myself for letting it bother me
still looking as good as you did before
more ink decorating your arms now
more fake smiles casted towards others
you think i don't notice
its everyone else who doesn't
still surrounding yourself with shitty people
you always complained no one ever listened
but i did
i always listened
i always cared
but do i still get to care after all this time?
i can't tell anymore

18/08/2016
being in holland for almost a month
remembering you were important to me
remembering you don't even remember me
moving on by moving away

discolouration

you didn't mark me so i was yours, you marked me so no one else could have me
not you, not anyone
visualising me being taken while knowing you'd never be there after that night
it must have been easy
to capture me knowing you'd throw me out as soon as
you got what you were looking for
you got my attention, my affection and even mistakenly my heart
it was never meant to be yours
but isn't that what you like?
taking stuff that isn't yours to take
taking the happiness people have found within you
i wasn't her, i didn't take your happiness
instead i gave you mine
which you took until someone else started giving it to you

you didn't need me anymore
you never needed me to begin with
i was just a small paragraph in the disastrous chronicle that is your life.

you

its realising all the mistakes i made while we were together

its realising all the times i had the chances to kiss you but i didn’t

its realising all the "i love you’s” i could’ve confessed to you but didn’t

its realising that i shouldn’t have had to said it because all my actions expressed it to you

every phone call

every errand run

every ‘drive safe’

every god damn night we spend together
every god damn time i held you tight in my arms

you should’ve known that i loved you yet you didn’t

i of all people should’ve known that you wouldn’t pick up on that, that you would be oblivious of my love for you

and after all this time i just can't get rid of you

its months later and now we spoke and apologised

its months since we both lost ourselves in the depths of our bad decisions 

its months and yet i can't let you go

its months and i still love you

post traumatic eyes disorder

your eyes had always intrigued me

when we met;
 they held so much emotion
so much damage
it told me they story of how your heart had been broken

when we were together;
i fixed what seemed to be broken
they shone like i had never before seen

when we left each other;
the shine i put there no longer shone for me
suddenly the shone again for the one who dimmed them in the first place
i had healed you, brought brightness back into them

aftermath;
you left my eyes without their shine
as for you took away my shine to light up your own
and i let you because to me it seemed that your happiness was more important than mine