feelings

This week hasn't really been a great week for me. I had to deal with getting my exam grades back, a bunch of bad news and I had to control my emotions a lot. My exam grades aren't as bad as I thought they would be yet I have to do a resit for economics because I got an F. My week started out pretty grades despite having the flu, the weekend had just passed and I had gone out with a few of my closest friends to celebrate a friend her 18th birthday. So on tuesday it was my mom's birthday along with a good friend of mine. On tuesday I also found out that my ex crush asked my friend out and I freaked out, not because I still like him or anything but because it made me sic to think that he didn't want me but he did want her so I went home after she told me despite having two more lessons that day. I felt really bad and really worthless that day and I got angry, like really angry I punched the walls in my house a few times until my knuckles cracked and almost bled. I didn't go to school the next day, I didn't want to face her nor the guy because they are both in my class and also because I woke up really sick. I have had the flu and a sore throat for about two weeks already and the migraines started again. Wednesday after my mom returned from work my grandma called me and shared the news with me that she has breast cancer. I don't think I have ever shared how much my grandma means to me but the news she gave me just broke me down. I felt like I the world had stopped, I felt like I couldn't get any air into my lungs nor another beat out of my heart. I cried, I still cry for her. She is getting operated in two weeks and afterwards she will go to radiation in Colombia. I still feel like I can't breath. I can't help but worry even if she doesn't. Today she got all emotional and told me "If I die I want to die knowing my daughter graduated" and when I corrected her she just said she didn't make a mistake and walked away. I can't even write this without tearing up. She doesn't even see me as her granddaughter but more like her daughter. I might as well be her daughter, I've been bounded to her ever since my dad left me when I was two years old. I love her and soon I will be getting "I love you J" tattooed on me in her handwriting and in French because that is her all time favorite language. I haven't spoken nor seen some of my really good friends in some time and at times it feels like they only contact me when they need me and I think it's sad because it seems like I'm only needed when they need something from me, either material, my advice or my ears. I can't stand this, feeling unneeded, unwanted, sad, angry

destroy me

'Please don't do anything too reckless'
You know I won't listen, you know me all too well.
Bring out the bottle, I might gulp it down and I might just stare at it.
'I beg you to let it go'
Maybe I should, it was reckless of me to expect more,
it was reckless of me to even send that text.
It's time for that bottle,
time for the forgetting methods,
time for the famous amber liquor and smokes.
Oh amber liquor make me forget,
oh smokes destroy the rest of my insides.
Destroy every part of me that thinks about you.
Destroy the part of me who worries about you.
Destroy the part of me who writes about you.
Destroy the part of me who expects you to care.
Just fucking destroy me.
It probably won't help because even if you destroy me I would keep on spitting out poems and pieces about you or for you.

you are art

To me you are art,
your eyes are the color I use to express darkness.
I have your body memorized,
just like the canvas I use to transfer thoughts.
Every inch of that delectable body,
every bump,
every bruise.
My paint brush glides smoothly on your canvas
leaving behind
a wet trace of purple and red
splatters.
Oh how you are turning me into a sucker for love.
Notebooks filled
with words only meant
for your ears.
Rooms filled
with portraits only meant
for your eyes.
You,
everything is you,
us,
everything that we used to be

my otherwise

Oh my otherwise

For when are you to come?

I've been searching for you for so damn long.

When will you finally appear?

Oh why won't you spare me all this pain?

Are you making me wait to gain experience? 

Be my gravity, keep me grounded keep me sane.

Oh my otherwise

Save me from the cruel people, save the cruel people from my cold heart.

Melt my cold heart.

Steal it like no one ever has.

Never give it back

and 

Let me steal yours,

I'll keep it safe,

I'll put it your heart where mine 

used to be

and 

You'll put mine where yours was.

Let's just 

love

each other until the end of us. 

for you

I am withdrawing myself from you. You intimidate me, you intimidate me way too much. Oh not in a bad way tho. Avoiding you while I all I want to do is talk and figure out what goes through that mind of yours. Maybe I am scared of what you make me feel, scared of how I would do anything you ask of me. Since my avoiding game is so strong today I might as well tell you how I have been doing over posts. I am sick, coughing constantly, headaches every few hours and the goddamn pain. It isn’t that hard to suppress how I feel about you but slowly it’ll start eating me alive from the inside. All I want is for you to be happy or at least truly satisfied. I want to see you smile darling, not one of those fake smiles you walk around with at school but a real smile. You deserve the world, you deserve to be treated like the fucking princess that you are. Man I hope the girl you grow fond of next treats you right and doesn’t make you her secret. I won’t try anything with you so don’t worry because I’m leaving soon. I’m working really hard on graduating and leaving and I couldn’t do that to anyone. Staying is not really an option after finishing school. I am a mess, a big fucking mess.

new years

I'm a bit on a time crunch here but I hope everyone had a merry christmas and hopefully also a good new years. This past year has been a hard yet eventful year for me, I have grown and learned from the mistakes I've made. I've met some incredible people, some assholes but also some of the best people ever. This year I faced the challenge of accepting who I am, I fell in love with an amazing girl, got my heartbroken, visited some beautiful places, started this blog, got in some horrible fights. Overall this year I've cried a lot but I've laughed a lot, ups and downs like a roller coaster yet I don't think I would want it any different. I mean sure the year could have been better but it could also have been worse, I am so grateful to have had such a learning year. To all my friends I want to thank you guys for sticking with me thru thick and thin, thank you for always being with me even if I push you guys away sometimes, even if I yell out things I don't mean yet I love you guys, always I wouldn't be here without the support you guys give me. To my family, thank you for believing in me and accepting me, thank you for encouraging me to pursue my writing, thank you for always being there for me when I needed someone, for make me laugh or getting me into trouble. I love you guys a bunch. I want to thank myself, for doing what I want despite my conscious, I want to thank myself for not harming myself anymore. I am proud of all my friends and family, I am proud of myself. I don't do new years resolutions because I mostly never accomplish them but I want to know yours, tweet me them. Thank you to all my readers for taking time out of their day to read my blog, thank you guys for 600 reads in about 4 months. I love you guys and have a wonderful New Year! 

parents

Disappointment is apparently what I have brought to me father tonight by refusing to sleep at his house, sad to say if I got mad every time he said no to me I'd be mad my whole life.What is up with parents not appreciating their children, since when is it alright for a parent to expect so much out of a child a 17 year old child? Since when is it alright to tell your child that they aren't good for anything, that they can't do anything right? Why do parents make it their mission to break us down instead of building us up. I need my parents to encourage me in what I'm good at and help me in what I'm bad at. Yes mom I would like for you to ask me about my writing, for you to finally show some interest in what I like doing instead of drilling me about finding a real job because writing won't pay the bills. I know, I know writing doesn't pay the bills but guess what mom, I can do writing on the side, that's what I want. Wouldn't that be nice? Being an English teacher and write on the side. Novels, short stories, maybe even give some workshops to others who need some support. Sharing knowledge, expanding minds, oh what a dream. So dad, since when is it alright to tell me to work harder after I proved to you I did all I could yet I still didn't make it? Maybe you should consider getting me a tutor or some help. I can't do everything alone, I can't manage alone, I know that eventually I will have to but right now I just need some of your help. Some families manage to make you feel like crap even during the holidays, yes my anxiety has been worse during this christmas break due to my family but I know I;ll be going off to college in July. 6 months, that's all I'm asking for from all you seniors out there just give it 6 months. You will be free eventually, you will be able to create the path that you want to follow, you might not know what that path is yet but soon you will find yourself following a path that you never set out to follow but you'll find yourself enjoying it.