inevitable

Perfection seemed to be something I thought could never be achieved. That was until I met you, you hypnotized me with your eyes and had me hooked on your voice. Every touch send my heart into a frenzy, it would beat so fast I for sure thought it would explode. Your words send my brain into overdrive, not letting me forget a single word you said to me, still not letting me forget. The voice you would tell me you loved me oh god how much I loved hearing you say that. Although back then I actually thought you meant them but now I know it was all a facade but oh baby remember how I did mean the "i love you"s. Those 3 words that ruined my whole existence those words that ruined my wellbeing, my heart, my soul, me. You ruined me with those words, you ruined me when you left, leaving me to cut my hands trying to pick up the pieces you left me in. But god I loved you, loving you was never a chore but more like blinking. Loving you was inevitable, yet hating you for all these heart aches is also inevitable. Not only did I cut my hands on the broken pieces but with you walking over them shattering them made me lose it, made those pieces unrepairable. You took away my happiness but oh how foolish of me to put something so important in the slippery hands of someone so clumsy. It slipped right through those rough hands and got swallowed by a black hole. I've been unable to find it ever since, unable to truly be happy without having this chest ache wash over reminding me I'm still missing a few shattered pieces of the person I was before you came along. 

horribly messy diary entry

As promised I'm writing again, I have 7/11 playing, there is school glue sticking to my bare feet. What do I write about this time? What do you guys want to hear? Maybe about how every time I used to look in the mirror I saw myself yet I was never satisfied, maybe I'm still not fully satisfied yet now I appreciate what I have more. So what if I don't have C-cup boobs? Sure I wish I did but I'm actually satisfied with my A-cup grapes, ass now that is something I was pretty blessed with. Pin straight hair some girls dream of but my point is that we are blessed with these feature sure we can go and get surgery and in my opinion everyone can do what they please. I can sit here and say everyone is beautiful but we knows of ourselves that we think some people are ugly especially if they are around that one special person, right? Shake it off came on by miss t swizzle and I danced, yep I stood up and shook what my mama gave me but back to what I was saying which I don't know anymore this is beyond messy but guys hey I'm still working on my 'novel/short story' and I found the perfect couple to portray my Jovi and Bryer, Yes I just revealed the names to you guys. So my class made me sit next to my crush a few days ago for about an hour and a half and I got so angry and I just put in my headphones so I wouldn't be bothered but then I felt so rude cause he asked me if I was okay and I felt bad but when we talked it was kinda okay yet now I've decided that I don't anymore distractions but yesterday he stared at me while he drove away from school and ugh I kinda died. I hope he doesn't know of my blog if he does I would die or probably kiss him and run away. Yeah I'd kiss him, mhm, maybe, mhm, probably not. Bye guys I'm sorry I'm horrible

happiness?

So she told me I was hard to please. She said its because I'm not happy, that she has tried to make me happy for a month yet we barely talk. How do you expect me to be happy if everything around me is going wrong? Bad grades, shitty friends, terrible family feuds and miserably crushing on this amazing person who still hasn't noticed me. Wanting to tell my family that bisexuality is not all bad yet knowing how racist and traditional they are scare the living crap out of me. This terrible headache I'm having while writing because I haven't written in almost a month, kinda working on a novel or short story you could say. How is this a poem if I only express my feeling? Maybe this blog is becoming my diary or maybe I'm just really bad at writing and forming my inner thoughts into flowing sentences. I'll never be like the writer of my favorite blog. Goddamn she is amazing and her writing will one day dominate this world for real. So what will I do in the mean time? Will I finish that damn short story? Even if I can't form my imagination into flowing sentences? maybe I should just give it a shot you know? Try and if I fail I'll at least know I did my best right? But what if my best has never been my best? What if I have to push myself till the edge of the bridge? Maybe take the risk of jumping of that cliff and into the water below, the water where you plunge into and fight to come back above for that fresh breath of air. I'd come above smiling at the thrill of having taken that risk, having given it my all and finally reaching all my dreams. That was all for this session my loves, I gotta go but I promise I'll post again within the next week, I'll spend most of my days trying to word my thoughts for you.