let you go

what do i do with all the good times we've had?
what do i do with all the late night confessions we've had?
all the stories you've told me over the years?
so tell me what i should do

i won't forget your birthday
i won't forget the night you told me you loved me
i can't forget your birthday
i can't forget the night you told me you loved me

we met 13 years ago in the summer while on vacation to the happiest place on earth. Disney World.

i was a happy 7 year old, you were a cheery 6 year old and we were instant best friends.

i was a gloomy 15 year old, you were a cheery 14 year old when we met again while on vacation again. i started having this weird feeling when you were laying on the dirty floor with your head on my lap, looking up at me while listening to your favorite song.

i was a depressed 17 year old, you were a cheery 16 year old when i fell hopelessly in love with you. i fell in love with the way you said my name, the way your voice sounded while speaking to me, the way you opened up to me about everything.

it was that May that changed me, you had done the unthinkable to me in my eyes. you destroyed whatever trust i still had in you. we had never screamed at each other before up until that night. you screamed a confession that still replays in my head. you screamed that you felt the same way, you screamed that you were afraid, you screamed that you didn't want to lose me. my voice was breaking, my heart was shattering and my mind was spinning while i tried to grasp what you did. i left the party heartbroken and unsure of how to get you out of my mind and out of my heart.

it must have not been enough, you would come back every so often trying to act like nothing happened, as if you hadn't inflicted me enough pain over the course of 4 years.

you had once promised me that you wouldn't hurt me like my first love did, yet your pain hurt far more and for far longer.

i was 19, you were 19 and you kissed me and said you were in love with me. you didn't remember the next morning.

my heart aches as i write this
my chest feels hollow as our memories play in my head
my mind is in over drive trying to put my thoughts into words

you're on my mind often yet i know i shouldn't want anything to do with you.
you've caused enough.

i have to start loving myself more than i've ever loved you.
(6-23-18)

not what I'm supposed to be

12/14/2015
who is the real me anyways?
all i see when i look in the mirror is a pale girl with purple dyed hair
some pink and blue strands here and there
always different lip colours
always with a least a bit of makeup

do i even remember who i used to be
before i started changing myself?
i could never really stay with the same hair colour for too long
it would start being me
and i would get used to it
i can't
i can't be who i was anymore

i keep dying my hair as if I'm creating a new persona
might seem stupid
might seem strange

who was i before the red hair, purple hair, blue pink blond hair?
was i this frail little dark blond girl?
was that really me
before i started altering myself
do i ever make sense?

12/14/2016
purple hair has been dyed dark brown
personality has changed
most would say i'm not who i used to be
most would say i'm completely different
maybe my actions
maybe my choices
maybe my attitude
maybe all of the above

change isn't bad
my change wasn't bad
my change signified self growth
a transition between a lonesome reckless teen to a self-aware teen

the world teaches you things
things about relationships
with yourself, family and friends

i learned to trust myself, to let myself be happy but also to let myself be sad
to talk about my emotions with the people i trust
to surround myself with good people,
to dedicate a lot of time to my family because one day
they won't be in the next room so i can talk to them

appreciating life is also what the world taught me
that unless you love what you do you won't be interested and dedicated

peace and quiet is good sometimes
especially on those days when your thoughts seem to be louder than your voice could ever be

hazy thoughts with a hazy girl

past
i've been told many times to just get over it, to just move on but it isn't as easy as you'd expect it to be
its always been hard for me to forget such strong feelings i had for someone
hard to forget
hard to forgive
hard to change
hard to stop being who i was with you
so fucking hard to not reminisce

present
i've been told many times to get over it, to just move on
those words keep getting repeated like a broken record
usually coming from a broken person
with a broken heart
just like me
repeating them as if to convince themselves
not just me
i've been over it for a while now
keeping those dark days in the past
only thinking of them when thinking of my self growth

future
i'll still be hearing the same words
from the same people
with the same motives
but i'll be different
they wouldn't notice because they are all still so busy
bettering themselves without
realizing that those words
don't apply to me anymore

02/14/15 - present day

i remember the day we met

how careful we were around each other

how we sent each other little innocent smiles

how our arms would brush against each other

i remember you pulling me to stand between your thighs to hide you from someone you didn't want to see

i remember looking deep into your eyes, you looked so beautiful 

i remember us subtly flirting with each other

sharing drinks

dancing together

laughing together

i remember how short you were but then realising that i was wearing heels

even without heels I'm slightly taller

you letting me sit in front

i remember subtly asking you for your number

talking for 10 minutes in the car after the others had gotten out

kissing you on the cheek after you dropped us off at home

us talking the remainder of the night

us sharing everything together

getting to know each other

become close friends

texting every single day

seeing you every single day

sleeping next to each other 

driving around together

being each others everything

it was all the heart break that came along with you

all the betrayal i felt after i found out

all the fights we had

all the pointless arguments we had

all the screaming and crying 

all the heartache

all the sleepless nights

all those tears spilled

because i fell in love

because you didn't know what you wanted 

because we were never meant to be together

never meant to be friends

never meant to be more

because we are toxic together

i am toxic, you are toxic

and together we wouldn't make it

we made each other stronger, we learned from each other 

in the end we are now better people, maybe still a bit bend but better people

we are trying again
we are starting over
a time difference isn't ideal
a time difference is helping us not fall back into
our old habits

it isn't the first time we've tried again
it isn't the first time we are staring over
it isn't the first time everything went wrong

trying again is going good
trying to slowly mend all the cracks we created
trying to find a way to trust one another again
trying to find the perfect balance between too much and too little
trying to just be comfortable with each other again
trying to trust each other again

in the end we always come back together no matter how many times we part ways
we have both changed
a lot of soul searching has happened
we have learned through hard experiences that nothing will ever go our way
we've both experienced karma in the worst way possible
we have both learned to treat each other better
to treat ourselves better
its never too late
apologies have been said
apologies have been accept

days, months, years, we'll see what becomes of us

30/06/2016

it felt like i was dying
driving in this horrible black tunnel until a burst of light
punched me, it literally hit me
spun me out of control
tumbled me upside down
left me there
in screaming agony
waiting for someone to save me
waiting for someone to open this door
to get me back to safety
back to reality
trying to calm me down
stop me from screaming
making sure everyone around me was okay
even after everything i caused
forgetting to stop and pay attention
forgetting to turn on the lights
but it all resulted in my life changing in a matter of seconds
it resulted in all this trauma i didn't think id have
all the tears and all the aches
waking up the next morning with a bruised and battered body
being told that the soreness will only get worse
being told that i was lucky to be alive
i caused all of this
almost killed my friend
almost killed the other people
it shook me
it made me realise
how lucky i am to still be here
but it also made me realise
how much i can actually hate myself
how guilty i feel
and how i don't feel like i can apologise enough from what i've caused

forever in my drafts

29/10/2015
empty promises were all you could deliver
even when you tried to be good for me
you couldn't
i know you tried but you just couldn't keep it together
you threw around promises like they meant nothing
like you could actually keep them
but you can't can you?
it isn't as easy as 123 now is it
not as easy as you had hoped
im not as easy as you had hoped
you had me spellbound
with the slightest touches
i craved you like you were the cure to my insanity


21/04/2016
promises fulfilled
but not by you
promises accomplished by myself
just me
promised i wouldn't cry about you anymore
promised i wouldn't look you up anymore
and i succeeded, i don't care for you anymore
i don't bother to listen when people try to tell me about you
im not responsible for you anymore
you aren't my light anymore
i broke the spell, i broke your curse


19/06/2016
seeing your face again for the first time in a few months
disappointed in myself for letting it bother me
still looking as good as you did before
more ink decorating your arms now
more fake smiles casted towards others
you think i don't notice
its everyone else who doesn't
still surrounding yourself with shitty people
you always complained no one ever listened
but i did
i always listened
i always cared
but do i still get to care after all this time?
i can't tell anymore

18/08/2016
being in holland for almost a month
remembering you were important to me
remembering you don't even remember me
moving on by moving away

discolouration

you didn't mark me so i was yours, you marked me so no one else could have me
not you, not anyone
visualising me being taken while knowing you'd never be there after that night
it must have been easy
to capture me knowing you'd throw me out as soon as
you got what you were looking for
you got my attention, my affection and even mistakenly my heart
it was never meant to be yours
but isn't that what you like?
taking stuff that isn't yours to take
taking the happiness people have found within you
i wasn't her, i didn't take your happiness
instead i gave you mine
which you took until someone else started giving it to you

you didn't need me anymore
you never needed me to begin with
i was just a small paragraph in the disastrous chronicle that is your life.