you aren't beside me

it was only one night and yet it
fucked me up,
every night i still wait for the moment
you place your head on my chest,
for you to nuzzle your face in my neck
to feel your breath mix with mine.

yet all i fall asleep to is the faint
sound of ed sheeran playing in the background.

in the morning i feel empty,
i wake up to an empty bed,
your legs aren't tangled with mine,
your hair isn't in my face,
and you aren't beside me,
you haven't been beside me for a while now.

negativity

You know this will be about you so don't take it personally. What you told me is true I am a negative person I do close myself up when people try to get in, it is hard for me because I've been hurt so bad and I don't like the feeling at all and as I've told you the less you expect the less disappointed you will be. Maybe I am so negative because all I hear around me is that I will fail or that I have to be perfect and that if I'm not perfect then it doesn't matter, that you cannot fail when you try that you have to on your a game every single time you try something and that failure is not an option and with a history of your family you will be a disappointment. Thank you for telling me in my face that I am a negative person because I will show you how much of a positive person I can be and that I will not change for you but for myself, to make myself a better person yes I was hurt when you told me and yes I walked away but thank you because I will learn from this and owning a great friend can see that to you in your face and thanks for being a great friend.

pointless

//10:23//

i can't seem to stop thinking
about you

can't seem to stop fantasizing
about us

is it really pointless?

perhaps as pointless
as this poem

perhaps as pointless
as me loving you

remind me not to pour so little milk in
my coffee

because it'll resemble the
color of your eyes

help me to stop writing about
you because it really is

pointless

just you

your eyes are the color of coffee
your scent smells like roses
lanky slim body
why?
you.
your voice so low like the angels are singing
your personality closed off but like no other
oh what have you done?
love poems about you already?
really?
is this even a poem?
you aren't the definition of perfect
but neither am i
but are you perfect for me?
not hardly
guess i don't want perfection then
just you

okay?

someday i will

its been a while hasn't it? almost a month and a lot has happened, i won't go into detail since i don't want to think about it anymore. i have lost friends, due to lies and i feel like shit. maybe they didn't deserve for me to distance myself from them but in the end i did it for myself. i alienate myself from people who might harm me, you might say you would never hurt me but in the end everyone does. why do i let these people in so deeply knowing i can't really take more hurt. why do i let myself become this way if i hate being sad? why do i keep thinking about you. everything about her makes me think of you yet she is so different from you still. i can't be jealous of her but i do envy her, being around you, loving you properly, getting to know you better than i ever could. enough about you tho you've brought me so much pain that just thinking of that my chest starts hurting. hurting like i'm missing a piece, a legit hole in my heart. him oh him, it hurts having people i might like having to touch me like you did. i can't stand intimate touches anymore because it hurts knowing that the last person who touched me like that left me in pieces. how dramatic but my father told me a while ago that you fall in love multiple times in the duration of your life, that i will get hurt again but i will also love again. i won't let this break me, i might have been destroyed by you but i won't give up. i'd rather give up our friendship than give up on myself. let me live, let me enjoy without having to worry about you all the time goddamn. i have learned and i will fully live my life, maybe not today but someday i will.

feelings

This week hasn't really been a great week for me. I had to deal with getting my exam grades back, a bunch of bad news and I had to control my emotions a lot. My exam grades aren't as bad as I thought they would be yet I have to do a resit for economics because I got an F. My week started out pretty grades despite having the flu, the weekend had just passed and I had gone out with a few of my closest friends to celebrate a friend her 18th birthday. So on tuesday it was my mom's birthday along with a good friend of mine. On tuesday I also found out that my ex crush asked my friend out and I freaked out, not because I still like him or anything but because it made me sic to think that he didn't want me but he did want her so I went home after she told me despite having two more lessons that day. I felt really bad and really worthless that day and I got angry, like really angry I punched the walls in my house a few times until my knuckles cracked and almost bled. I didn't go to school the next day, I didn't want to face her nor the guy because they are both in my class and also because I woke up really sick. I have had the flu and a sore throat for about two weeks already and the migraines started again. Wednesday after my mom returned from work my grandma called me and shared the news with me that she has breast cancer. I don't think I have ever shared how much my grandma means to me but the news she gave me just broke me down. I felt like I the world had stopped, I felt like I couldn't get any air into my lungs nor another beat out of my heart. I cried, I still cry for her. She is getting operated in two weeks and afterwards she will go to radiation in Colombia. I still feel like I can't breath. I can't help but worry even if she doesn't. Today she got all emotional and told me "If I die I want to die knowing my daughter graduated" and when I corrected her she just said she didn't make a mistake and walked away. I can't even write this without tearing up. She doesn't even see me as her granddaughter but more like her daughter. I might as well be her daughter, I've been bounded to her ever since my dad left me when I was two years old. I love her and soon I will be getting "I love you J" tattooed on me in her handwriting and in French because that is her all time favorite language. I haven't spoken nor seen some of my really good friends in some time and at times it feels like they only contact me when they need me and I think it's sad because it seems like I'm only needed when they need something from me, either material, my advice or my ears. I can't stand this, feeling unneeded, unwanted, sad, angry

destroy me

'Please don't do anything too reckless'
You know I won't listen, you know me all too well.
Bring out the bottle, I might gulp it down and I might just stare at it.
'I beg you to let it go'
Maybe I should, it was reckless of me to expect more,
it was reckless of me to even send that text.
It's time for that bottle,
time for the forgetting methods,
time for the famous amber liquor and smokes.
Oh amber liquor make me forget,
oh smokes destroy the rest of my insides.
Destroy every part of me that thinks about you.
Destroy the part of me who worries about you.
Destroy the part of me who writes about you.
Destroy the part of me who expects you to care.
Just fucking destroy me.
It probably won't help because even if you destroy me I would keep on spitting out poems and pieces about you or for you.