stars

i wanna be amongst the stars, shining bright when the sky seems too empty, guiding you thru a dark night, or be there for you when you need something more beautiful than her eyes. let me be amongst the beautiful stars so i wont feel this pain anymore, so i can take away some pain from others just like stars have taken away my pain temporarily. let me be a star so i can shine like i couldnt here as a human, let me be beautiful and shining. i might be dead, not existing anymore yet my shine and light will still be here with everyone.

empty promise, i won't fall for it

it feels like another empty promise, how many times have you said you don't want to hurt me anymore? probably a shit ton of times, last week you said the same thing while we were in bed, my bed, the same bed i cant sleep in without remembering how crowded it was with you next to me yet not giving a single fuck because i had you pressed up against me. when will it finally be the last time you hurt me? 'She's hurting too' yeah boo fucking hoo guess who had their heart broken all over again. guess who stood outside her best friends party sobbing her eyes out. Guess who had to get picked up by her friends, actual friends who drove back to come get her because they actually gave a fuck. Me, i had to get picked up by my friends, i was the one outside sobbing my eyes out. while you had your fucking lips latched onto hers, not even thinking about how it would make me feel being just a few feet away, did you think i wouldn't find out?  but always the same excuse tho 'i don't remember anything, i was drunk, i didnt eat anything that day' always the same fucking excuse. so why should i forgive you again, so you can hurt me again in a few weeks? 'she's been trying really hard' i call bullshit i call fucking bullshit! i don't see you trying 'hard'. do you really think a stupid letter telling me everything that i already know and a rose will make up for all the heart ache you brought me over the past week and on top of that you aren't giving me any fucking time. i'm broken right now, i'm fucking broken yet you don't give me any time to heal, its been a week. a week doesn't heal anything. and forcing yourself to see me whenever i try to hang out with my best friend won't help, it'll only make me detest you more than i do now. it won't ever be the same anymore, i have been your doormat way too fucking long. you had me and you lost me because of your own stupid decisions. so i hope it was worth it, because she still can't stand you and now neither can i. i've been 'done' a bunch of times but trust me this time i'm done for real. don't try anymore because i can't even look at you without being angry. stop trying you're only 'hurt' because now you don't have a doormat to walk all over anymore. stop trying to make things better because you don't mean it. a rose and a letter mean nothing. 'Actions speak louder than words' prove to me that you're sorry because now i don't believe shit you say.

you aren't beside me

it was only one night and yet it
fucked me up,
every night i still wait for the moment
you place your head on my chest,
for you to nuzzle your face in my neck
to feel your breath mix with mine.

yet all i fall asleep to is the faint
sound of ed sheeran playing in the background.

in the morning i feel empty,
i wake up to an empty bed,
your legs aren't tangled with mine,
your hair isn't in my face,
and you aren't beside me,
you haven't been beside me for a while now.

negativity

You know this will be about you so don't take it personally. What you told me is true I am a negative person I do close myself up when people try to get in, it is hard for me because I've been hurt so bad and I don't like the feeling at all and as I've told you the less you expect the less disappointed you will be. Maybe I am so negative because all I hear around me is that I will fail or that I have to be perfect and that if I'm not perfect then it doesn't matter, that you cannot fail when you try that you have to on your a game every single time you try something and that failure is not an option and with a history of your family you will be a disappointment. Thank you for telling me in my face that I am a negative person because I will show you how much of a positive person I can be and that I will not change for you but for myself, to make myself a better person yes I was hurt when you told me and yes I walked away but thank you because I will learn from this and owning a great friend can see that to you in your face and thanks for being a great friend.

pointless

//10:23//

i can't seem to stop thinking
about you

can't seem to stop fantasizing
about us

is it really pointless?

perhaps as pointless
as this poem

perhaps as pointless
as me loving you

remind me not to pour so little milk in
my coffee

because it'll resemble the
color of your eyes

help me to stop writing about
you because it really is

pointless

just you

your eyes are the color of coffee
your scent smells like roses
lanky slim body
why?
you.
your voice so low like the angels are singing
your personality closed off but like no other
oh what have you done?
love poems about you already?
really?
is this even a poem?
you aren't the definition of perfect
but neither am i
but are you perfect for me?
not hardly
guess i don't want perfection then
just you

okay?

someday i will

its been a while hasn't it? almost a month and a lot has happened, i won't go into detail since i don't want to think about it anymore. i have lost friends, due to lies and i feel like shit. maybe they didn't deserve for me to distance myself from them but in the end i did it for myself. i alienate myself from people who might harm me, you might say you would never hurt me but in the end everyone does. why do i let these people in so deeply knowing i can't really take more hurt. why do i let myself become this way if i hate being sad? why do i keep thinking about you. everything about her makes me think of you yet she is so different from you still. i can't be jealous of her but i do envy her, being around you, loving you properly, getting to know you better than i ever could. enough about you tho you've brought me so much pain that just thinking of that my chest starts hurting. hurting like i'm missing a piece, a legit hole in my heart. him oh him, it hurts having people i might like having to touch me like you did. i can't stand intimate touches anymore because it hurts knowing that the last person who touched me like that left me in pieces. how dramatic but my father told me a while ago that you fall in love multiple times in the duration of your life, that i will get hurt again but i will also love again. i won't let this break me, i might have been destroyed by you but i won't give up. i'd rather give up our friendship than give up on myself. let me live, let me enjoy without having to worry about you all the time goddamn. i have learned and i will fully live my life, maybe not today but someday i will.