She

It wasn't even dawn yet and you could already smell the sun starting to come up yet she was already awake running through her house, trying to occupy herself, trying to distract her from the reality that has become her life. The reality that has haunted her for the past few months, the bags under her eyes haven't gone away for weeks, the sleeping pills no longer work. Closing her eyes for more than a few minutes already makes the horrible memories surface. She drinks herself into a comatose state just for 4 hours of sleep every night, 4 hours of sleep haven't been enough for her to function right at her shitty job. She goes to work, she gets home, searches for the bottles before sulking on the alcohol until her body finally gives up and collapses. The days flashed by yet dragged along leaving her with the torturous memories and permanent scars on her once smooth skin. The horrible burn marks that stretch across her thighs and ankles, a daily reminder of how she couldn't save them, a permanent reminder of how her wife and princess died in the horrible house fire while they managed to get her out. They pulled her screaming out of the house, not because her flesh was being burned open no but because of the screams of her little girl and her wife. The screams for her to help them yet she was too late, the fire fighters couldn't do anything, they were too late. She spend many nights after that reliving that night, she could still hear their screams, struggles, their pleads and lastly nothing, they had suffocated and after that burned to ashes, beyond recognition. On their first death anniversary she decided to join them in a special place. She loved them so much she gave up her life to be with them again.

diary entry

It's almost 11pm which is usually not my breaking down hour but I guess today is different. She didn't acknowledge my existence, she hasn't really in a while now. I guess you can say we got really close really fast. Letting her into my personal space wasn't hard at all, she has this aura which made me feel at home. Feeling at home is something I haven't felt in a while. We shared what I think was all our deepest darkest secrets if you can call them that. She hasn't bolted to the door yet which is what I usually expect when I share my story with new people and after what she has trusted me with I don't plan on leaving either. I want to help her feel better yet there is always this wall when we get a bit too cozy with each other. I guess this whole entry is about how I'm starting to like this amazing girl who I started talking to again only two weeks ago. We used to go to school together 5 to 6 years ago, she used to scare me back then. I know I shouldn't get attached because it usually backfires the person leaves but she promised me she's not like everyone else who has left, she promised me she'll stay with me. I hope that if she reads this she won't shut me out nor think I've absolutely lost my senses. She's almost the only person who can make me cry of laughter after we were just screaming at each other a few minutes before, she intrigues me but most of all she makes me want to become a better person. 

undecided masochist lover

she was always around taunting me, teasing me, out shining me. She would never give me a chance to be the bright one in the relationship until I snapped. I smacked that crooked smile right of her face but it didn't feel like she hated me for it. Her eyes shined with an emotion I hadn't seen before, it looked like she enjoyed me using her as my punching bag. Slaps soon turned into punches and shoves yet she never left. She loved me and I loved her yet I couldn't help but resent her, that grin she shoots me, lovey doves eyes. I hate attachment and she stuck to me like plaster, we started out as just hook ups which turned into actually falling for her. I yelled and yelled until I found her journal which explained why she never left. She loved the pain, she was a masochist. She never told me this, it seems like the strokes, caresses and gentleness only caused her pain yet the smacks, stomps and shoves caused her pleasure. Her once pale skin was battered, tainted with purple and blue bruises which my love left on her. Why do I hurt this women who I care so much about? Why do I hurt the only women I've ever loved besides my mom? Have you ever seen that movie with Logan Lerman in which he plays a fucked up kid? I remember him saying 'we accept the love we think we deserve' maybe that's why she hasn't left yet or maybe it's her masochistic self stopping her. I want to change, I want to be better I want to be someone she deserves.
slap.
heartache.
punch.
heartache.
shove.
heartache.
i love you.
undecided.
smile jealousy, achievement jealousy, happiness jealousy.