not what I'm supposed to be

12/14/2015
who is the real me anyways?
all i see when i look in the mirror is a pale girl with purple dyed hair
some pink and blue strands here and there
always different lip colours
always with a least a bit of makeup

do i even remember who i used to be
before i started changing myself?
i could never really stay with the same hair colour for too long
it would start being me
and i would get used to it
i can't
i can't be who i was anymore

i keep dying my hair as if I'm creating a new persona
might seem stupid
might seem strange

who was i before the red hair, purple hair, blue pink blond hair?
was i this frail little dark blond girl?
was that really me
before i started altering myself
do i ever make sense?

12/14/2016
purple hair has been dyed dark brown
personality has changed
most would say i'm not who i used to be
most would say i'm completely different
maybe my actions
maybe my choices
maybe my attitude
maybe all of the above

change isn't bad
my change wasn't bad
my change signified self growth
a transition between a lonesome reckless teen to a self-aware teen

the world teaches you things
things about relationships
with yourself, family and friends

i learned to trust myself, to let myself be happy but also to let myself be sad
to talk about my emotions with the people i trust
to surround myself with good people,
to dedicate a lot of time to my family because one day
they won't be in the next room so i can talk to them

appreciating life is also what the world taught me
that unless you love what you do you won't be interested and dedicated

peace and quiet is good sometimes
especially on those days when your thoughts seem to be louder than your voice could ever be

hazy thoughts with a hazy girl

past
i've been told many times to just get over it, to just move on but it isn't as easy as you'd expect it to be
its always been hard for me to forget such strong feelings i had for someone
hard to forget
hard to forgive
hard to change
hard to stop being who i was with you
so fucking hard to not reminisce

present
i've been told many times to get over it, to just move on
those words keep getting repeated like a broken record
usually coming from a broken person
with a broken heart
just like me
repeating them as if to convince themselves
not just me
i've been over it for a while now
keeping those dark days in the past
only thinking of them when thinking of my self growth

future
i'll still be hearing the same words
from the same people
with the same motives
but i'll be different
they wouldn't notice because they are all still so busy
bettering themselves without
realizing that those words
don't apply to me anymore