someday i will

its been a while hasn't it? almost a month and a lot has happened, i won't go into detail since i don't want to think about it anymore. i have lost friends, due to lies and i feel like shit. maybe they didn't deserve for me to distance myself from them but in the end i did it for myself. i alienate myself from people who might harm me, you might say you would never hurt me but in the end everyone does. why do i let these people in so deeply knowing i can't really take more hurt. why do i let myself become this way if i hate being sad? why do i keep thinking about you. everything about her makes me think of you yet she is so different from you still. i can't be jealous of her but i do envy her, being around you, loving you properly, getting to know you better than i ever could. enough about you tho you've brought me so much pain that just thinking of that my chest starts hurting. hurting like i'm missing a piece, a legit hole in my heart. him oh him, it hurts having people i might like having to touch me like you did. i can't stand intimate touches anymore because it hurts knowing that the last person who touched me like that left me in pieces. how dramatic but my father told me a while ago that you fall in love multiple times in the duration of your life, that i will get hurt again but i will also love again. i won't let this break me, i might have been destroyed by you but i won't give up. i'd rather give up our friendship than give up on myself. let me live, let me enjoy without having to worry about you all the time goddamn. i have learned and i will fully live my life, maybe not today but someday i will.